


Exit Wounds

by paperstorm



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-07
Updated: 2011-09-06
Packaged: 2017-10-24 01:49:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/257540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperstorm/pseuds/paperstorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a rough summer that comes to an explosive head at Comic Con, Jared and Jensen are forced to re-evaluate their relationship and the sacrifices it forces them to make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Co-authored with [](http://slf630.livejournal.com/profile)[**slf630**](http://slf630.livejournal.com/)  
> [  
> ](http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/716/banner1wp.jpg/)

It started with Genevieve pulling out of the convention in New Jersey. Well, okay, if Jared really thinks about it, it started _long_ before that, but that was the first time he can recall being consciously aware that something was wrong. When he looks back over the last year and a half, he realizes that things have been off between them for a really long time, but he honestly just never noticed. They’re two grown adults pretending to be in a monogamous relationship to cover up the fact that Jared is really in a relationship with his male co-star; of _course_ things at the Padalecki house aren’t gonna be all sunshine and rainbows and gleeful newlywed bliss. They _aren’t_ newlyweds, not real ones anyway.

Jared likes Genevieve well enough, he likes her a lot actually. She’s funny and sharp as a tack and she’s a fiercely loyal friend, but their marriage is all for show, just like Jensen and Danneel’s is - so it never struck him as odd that he and Gen were never completely comfortable around each other. But then a bunch of things sort of happened all at once, and now he’s _painfully_ aware that something has gone very wrong in the last few months.

When they were first married, everything happened so quickly. The public relations team for Supernatural was floating the idea of him and Jensen getting into some kind of ‘for show’ relationships to dispel rumors that they were secretly a couple, and then Jared was running it by his part-time costar from the previous season and Jensen was asking this girl named Danneel he’d starred in an indie movie with a few years back (which may have thrown Jared through a bit of a loop at first because Jensen had maybe mentioned her all of about six times in three years, but it was Jensen’s choice and Jared tried to be okay with it - even though it stung a little that he himself chose someone they were _both_ friends with, in the hopes of making the transition easier on everybody, and Jensen chose this absolutely smokin’ hot chick Jared had never even met). And then they were ‘dating’ and ‘engaged’ and both married all within the span of about six months.

It was such a whirlwind that Jared barely had the time to process it while it was happening. And then they were buying a house, Jensen too, and diving into season six and the whole year just flew by in a tornado of filming and conventions and public appearances with his ‘new wife’ on his arm. It was good, at first. Jared liked Genevieve right from the first day he met her; he’s really grown to consider her one of his best friends and even though they’re sort of required to spend time together, Jared’s come to really enjoy her company.

For a while it was the perfect set-up; while the world thought he had a pretty wife waiting at home for him in LA, he and Jensen were free to spend chilly nights in Vancouver snuggled in _their_ bed; wrapped around each other in a tangle of limbs and sweat-slicked skin and pleasured moans and whispered promises of love - _real_ love, not the kind he faked with the sweet brunette who has his last name but would never really have his heart. But the hiatus between seasons six and seven changed things. Jared doesn’t even know exactly how, all he knows is that it seemed like one day everything was fine and the next day it just _wasn’t_.

He _missed_ Jensen during their break from filming. A lot, way more than he was expecting to. They saw each other, of course; even in the off-season there’s always a photoshoot or an interview or a convention to go to, but mostly those are so packed full of panels and autographs and photo-opps that they barely had a few moments alone to just _talk_ , let alone do anything else. And where Genevieve had at one time seemed happy enough to go with him and let him put his arm around her and pretend to be madly in love, suddenly she grew cold and prickly and acted like she was offended when Jared suggested they let themselves be seen in public together.

Jared couldn’t exactly blame her, he wasn’t really crazy about the whole arrangement either. He doesn’t like lying to people and he doesn’t like pretending any more than she does, but she’d been on board with everything at the beginning - hell, she’d been on board with everything up until a few _weeks_ ago - and Jared couldn’t understand what had changed.

Starting filming again at the beginning of July was like coming home after a lifetime of being lost. For the first time in months Jared got to spend the night with Jensen in their house, in their bed, feeling Jensen against him, _in_ him, like he hadn’t in far too long. It was amazing and perfect and Jared got that overwhelming feeling like he always does - that he never, ever wants to be anywhere but in Jensen’s arms ever again. Jensen told him afterwards how much he loved him, how much he’d missed him; in a voice thick with emotion and sandpaper-rough from sex and Jared almost cried.

But it didn’t last.

The convention in New Jersey was only a few days later, and Genevieve was supposed to go - she even had her own panel set up and she’d seemed excited about it - but then at the last minute she changed her mind. Jared didn’t even find out about it until the day of; he was flying to Jersey from Vancouver and she from LA so he didn’t get the chance to talk to her about it in person. He got a _voicemail_ of all things, she very calmly and evenly said something about a scheduling conflict but that was as much of an explanation as he got and he didn’t really have the heart to press the issue. Probably because deep down he suspected that if he asked he wouldn’t end up liking the answer. The next weekend was his birthday, and he spent it having a blast with Megan in Seattle. They went to an Eddie Vedder concert and they got wasted and it was the most fun Jared’d had all summer. He’d asked Gen if she wanted to come and she didn’t - again, he didn’t question it.

All of which has gotten him here; the night before he’s supposed to fly to San Diego for Comic Con. Usually, he loves the annual convention - him and Jensen and some group of guest stars and writers and producers have gone almost every year since the show started, and it’s always so much fun - but this year Jared is downright dreading it. He didn’t even bother asking his pseudo-wife if she wanted to tag along; Jensen isn’t bringing Danneel anyway and Jared was pretty sure he knew what Genevieve’s answer would be, and the last thing he wanted was to get into a fight with her. He’s never been a confrontational person, and to be honest, even though he’s more than twice her size, she sort of scares him when she’s angry. Besides, they’ve hardly spoken at all in the last few weeks, and when they have it’s been nothing but short, frosty phone calls.

Jared is at a total loss. He has no idea what to do, what he did wrong, or how to fix it. He’s still not in love with the idea of having a fake marriage, lying to everyone he loves and putting a girl he _does_ care about into a situation of potentially missing out on opportunities to meet someone and have a _real_ relationship; but he also knows this is the only way he can be with Jensen and not arouse suspicion. And being with Jensen is what’s important, even if lately the whole thing has put Jared between a rock and a faster moving rock.

He’s not exactly upset that she’s not going to San Diego with him, but he knows people will notice her absence and he absolutely _hates_ the thought of having to field questions about where she is on top of the usual awkward and inappropriately personal questions like “When are you and Genevieve having kids?” He sighs, and pushes down on the top of his suitcase so he can force the zipper closed. This is _not_ going to be fun.

____

Jared lets out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding as soon as he sees Jensen’s familiar frame waiting just outside their gate. Again, to keep up ‘appearances’ they arrived at the airport separately. And although he just saw his boyfriend last night, it still feels like it’s been forever. Jared practically sprints across the distance separating him from Jensen, sighing in relief when slightly wide, smiling green eyes look up at him. There’s protocol when they’re in public - Jared can’t glomp on to Jensen like his whole body and heart and freaking _soul_ wants to. So he settles for placing a hand on Jensen’s shoulder instead - not lingering despite the need to - squeezing the firm muscle just once before letting go. Jared frowns to himself. Normally, even the small touches are enough to calm him instantly. But today, it only makes the separation and the lies and deceit seem even sharper, makes it hurt more that he can’t greet his boyfriend like normal couples do.

Jensen, ever scarily in tune with Jared’s emotions, tilts his head to the side; intense eyes searching his own, his face. “Jay?” he asks softly.

Just that one word, simply his fond nickname, spoken in Jensen’s soft ‘I’m worried about you’ tone is enough to make Jared want to sob like a baby. He blinks rapidly to keep the tears burning behind his eyelids at bay, smiling shakily at Jensen instead. “Not now, man.”

Jensen nods, one eyebrow raised, lips pursed. Jared knows damn-well he won’t get away with _not_ telling Jensen what’s wrong, but hopefully he’ll at least give Jared a little time to come clean himself before demanding to know. They settle into a mostly comfortable silence while waiting for their plane, knees or shoulders brushing occasionally. Ever since the weddings, Jared’s tried to dial back on the touchy-feely aspect of himself, consciously making himself _not_ touch Jensen as much as he used to. He really hates that - he never used to have to _think_ around Jensen, or be aware of how his actions look from the outside - and now he does and it sucks. But today, he just can’t give a damn. He needs that small bit of contact like he needs oxygen.

Once they’re boarded and settled side by side, Jensen turns his expectant gaze on Jared again. “Got a few hours, man. Wanna tell me what’s goin’ on with you?”

Jared sighs, letting his head fall back against the seat, his eyes sliding closed against the burn. “’s just. Shit with Genevieve’s gettin’ strained for some reason. And with her constantly blowing these things off and not wanting to go anywhere with me … I just don’t wanna be bombarded by the questions, ya know?”

He rolls his head to the side, his eyes fluttering open to finally look at Jensen again. His boyfriend’s just watching him, that concerned look in his eyes, and Jared just _can’t take it_ today. “’s alright. Just bein’ over-dramatic, I guess.” He forces a chuckle that lacks any trace of real humor, eyes closing again as he turns away from Jensen. “Wake me up when we get there.”

____

The hotel lobby is an absolute zoo, just like it always is. There are fans and actors and producers and giant security guards everywhere, milling about and laughing and hugging in a sea of people. Usually Jared loves this part; the palpable anticipation, the frenzied fans, the excitement. He has the best job in the world, he really does - he’d never get a rush like this working a normal nine-to-five. But today it makes him nauseous, just like everything else has - the plane trip and even the ride in from the airport, and Jared _never_ gets motion sickness. It’s nerves, it has to be, but that’s even more disconcerting because it’s been a long time since Jared was this nervous about anything.

Jensen can tell, Jared spots that right away, which either means his boyfriend knows him entirely too well or Jared’s just not hiding it very effectively - in all likelihood, it’s probably both. But there are cameras _everywhere_ , both professional and amateur, so Jensen can’t do much to comfort Jared like they both want him to. _Need_ him to.

Jared lets the event officials drag him around like he’s on a leash all day; he barely even asks where they’re headed next, he just lets them corral him like cattle and only dimly notices his surroundings. There’s autographs, there are people sticking microphones in his face and damn near enough camera flashes to give a person epilepsy, and Jared hardly registers any of it. He smiles and he hugs a few fans and he answers their probing questions, but his mind is a million miles away.

It’s really a shame he’s in such a bad mood, because everyone else is having the time of their lives like always and normally Jared would be right there with them, but he just isn’t feeling it today. Misha’s so excitable he’s practically bouncing off the walls; more than a few times today he’s shown up out of absolutely nowhere and thrown his arms around Jensen from behind, smacking a messy kiss or two to Jensen’s cheek and then scampering off cackling like a mad man. And Jensen’s wiped the spit off his cheek and shouted something in mock-anger after him, but then he’d grinned over at Jared with wild, sparkling eyes. Jared tried once to smile back but it came off like more of a grimace, if the crestfallen look on Jensen’s face was any indication, so after a while he just stopped trying.

They’re all crowded into this little room, Jared’s not sure what it’s usually used for but today it’s like a makeshift green-room, when he finally gets a second alone with Jensen. Some snappy woman with a clipboard and a headset comes to get them for the Supernatural panel, and after everyone else files out Jensen casually tells her he and Jared will be along in a second. She raises a heavy eyebrow, but Jensen smiles that wide, white-toothed smile that could hypnotize the fight out of an angry rhinoceros.

“One minute, sweetheart, and then we’re all yours,” he says with a wink, all sweet charisma and southern charm, and miraculously she listens.

“Just one, then I’m comin’ back for ya,” she warns, wagging a finger in Jensen’s face. “We keep those people waitin’ any longer, we’ll have a riot on our hands.”

After he closes the door behind her and latches it so they won’t be disturbed, he turns back to Jared, and Jared takes a breath so deep he can feel it all the way to his toes. For a moment, he actually feels calm for the first time all day. Jensen narrows his eyes and tilts his head a little to the side but not like he’s angry, more like he’s worried.

“You doin’ alright?” he asks cautiously. “Been weird all day, man, you sure there isn’t something you wanna tell me?”

Jared sighs and shakes his head. “We don’t have time to get into it. It’s been a rough couple’a weeks, that’s all. My head’s not really all here.”

“Yeah, I can tell.” Jensen’s brow twists into a frown and he takes a few steps toward Jared.

“I really don’t wanna go out there,” Jared admits quietly. “I don’t feel like myself today, people are gonna be able to tell.”

Jensen takes a quick glance behind himself, probably to make sure they’re still alone, and then he moves forward quickly and slides his arms around Jared’s neck; cupping the back of Jared’s head with one hand and bringing it down to rest on his shoulder. Jared doesn’t fight him for a single second; he pushes his face into Jensen’s neck and eagerly wraps his arms tightly around Jensen’s waist, relaxing into his boyfriend’s chest.

“You’re gonna be fine,” Jensen promises, a whisper of breath against Jared’s ear. “I’ll be right there beside you.”

“I know,” Jared answers, his words muffled by Jensen’s shirt. He tries to sound more confident than he feels but he’s not sure Jensen’s buying it.

“Tell you what, if you feel yourself loosing it, you just reach over and touch my leg, okay?” Jensen pulls back and presses a kiss to the corner of Jared’s mouth. “There’s always drapes over the tables, right? No one will be able to see it. I’ll squeeze your hand so you know I’m there with you, all the way.”

Jared nods a little. “Okay.”

Jensen smiles and reaches up to smooth the hair back from Jared’s forehead; Jared leans into his warm palm. “I love you, Jare,” he says seriously. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on in that head of yours, but we can figure everything out later, alright? Let’s just get through today.”

“Yeah,” Jared agrees. “Love you too.”

____

Jensen’s true to his word; the minute they get on stage and sit down, he slides his leg over and hooks his ankle around Jared’s heel, and he doesn’t move it for the whole hour they’re up there. The questions are easy, standard, and everybody’s laughing and having a good time - only a few times Jared finds his heart racing a little faster than normal but when he inconspicuously slips his hand under the table and brushes his fingertips against Jensen’s thigh, Jensen grabs his hand and squeezes gently. The more he touches Jensen the more relaxed Jared feels - near the end of the panel he’s actually resting his hand over the back of Jensen’s chair and absently petting his fingers along Jensen’s back whenever no one’s looking.

It ends up being a lot more fun than Jared was expecting and it goes by really quickly - before he knows it the audience is cheering and applauding and they’re being led off the stage. He does feel a little bit better; having Jensen on one side of him and Misha on the other was familiar and comforting, and having Jensen’s smell and the heat from his body so close did a lot to slow Jared’s racing mind. But he isn’t done yet, not by a long shot - he’s still got pictures to take and fans to meet and that charity panel with Zach, and Jared still really just wants to go home. There’s a cooler of beers on a table in the hallway, and when they walk by Jared grabs one. There’s isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make this day go by fast enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen walks back up to his suite with Misha. This is the first time probably ever that he hasn’t been with Jared after a con and it’s weird. He feels a little lost and off-centered. And Jared’s abnormal mood definitely isn't helping. Yes, he’d said Jared could hold his hand under the table but he definitely _didn’t_ say he could drape his arm over Jensen’s chair and basically caress his lower back where Ben or Sera or anyone could see. They’ve both worked too hard to keep their relationship a secret for Jared to be pulling things like that. It was _not_ cool, and Jensen definitely has a few things to say about it. He knows that the NerdHQ panel is for a good cause but he really can’t help but wish that Jared had just told Zach no.

“You okay, man?” Misha asks when they get to Jensen’s door, sounding truly concerned.

“Fine,” he mutters dismissively. “See you at the airport in the morning.”

Misha sort of stares at him in that freaky, all-seeing way of his - piercing blue eyes cutting right through him - but Jensen ignores it as best he can. He loves the man but he is in no way prepared to deal with him right now, so he gives Misha his best impersonation of a smile and retreats into his room. He checks his watch, quickly moving across the room to grab his laptop. There’s a live streaming feed of Jared’s panel and if he can’t be there for his boyfriend physically, he’s at least gonna watch it.

He settles into a chair at the table by the window, watching intently as Jared comes out onto the stage. He frowns, leaning forward in his chair like that will actually get him closer to Jared. Is that a ... what the fuck is he doing with a freaking beer at a charity panel? Even through the crappy feed, he can see that Jared’s cheeks are flushed, his eyes a little glazed, as he jokes around with Zach. It’s painfully obvious that Jared’s trying way too hard to seem normal, to seem like the over-the-top, crazy-hyper guy everyone expects him to be. And it’s more than obvious that he’s just a bit on the drunk side the minute he opens his mouth, and if Jensen can tell, probably everybody else can too.

What the fuck? No. Seriously. What the ever-loving, fucking fuck?

Jensen clenches his jaw, barely resisting the urge to run back downstairs and drag Jared off that stage no matter what the hell he promised Zach. He blinks owlishly, watching the train wreck that is Jared spiraling further and further out of control, no way to help, no way to save his boyfriend from himself. It just gets worse and worse. The bullshit story about Jensen being with Danneel and her brother at SeaWorld, the constant fiddling with his wedding ring, bringing Genevieve up when no one asked about her so much it’s nowhere near natural, mentioning how much he cares about Jensen in the very next breath after _just_ talking about his wife. Jared’s tail-spinning fast and Jensen feels helpless and impotent and increasingly annoyed.

Jared’s been overwhelmed and lost during panels before - especially right after the weddings - but it’s never been this bad. Jensen’s pretty sure that the beer isn't helping matters - he idly wonders just how many he’s had in the hour since their panel ended and Zach’s people whisked him away; by the look of him, at least three or four. Add to that the fact that Jensen can't really remember the last time Jared actually ate anything and that makes for one drunk Padalecki. Despite his size, Jared’s kind of a light weight.

The babbling thing’s new too. Now granted, Jared is normally a really talkative guy, he’ll talk the pants off everybody and their mother if you let him, but he’s not usually so unfocused and just spewing out words that really kinda make no sense. He’s interrupting people as they’re talking, he’s giving slurred, long-winded answers that have nothing to do with the actual question; it’s just a mess. It’s an adorable mess, Jared’s always been a happy drunk, but a mess nonetheless.

By the time Zach finally calls an end to the horrific thing - it’s equivalent to a horrible car crash, Jensen _really_ wants to look away but _can’t_ \- his jaw is clenched so much he’s actually concerned that his teeth are going to crumble to dust and his fingernails are digging into his palms so hard there may be blood; there’s definitely crescent-shaped indentations. The really shitty part is it's not over. Jared still has to sit through an hour of autographs. Now that the cameras aren’t rolling, Jensen digs his phone out of his jeans, shooting a text to Jared.

 _What the fuck?_

He doesn’t immediately get a response and as the minutes stretch out he feels himself getting angrier and angrier. It’s been long enough that his cell chirping with a new text startles him, making him jerk and drop the damn thing. When he finally gets his shit together enough to open it, his blood boils and he can’t see or think or hear or feel anything but white-hot fury.

 _?_

That's it? Just a fucking question mark? He slams the lid to the laptop down, jerking up out of his chair to pace the length of the room. He’s tried to be patient with Jared but the time for treating him with kid-gloves is over. He’s going to make Jared sit still and actually tell him what the hell is going on, even if he has to tie his gigantic ass to the fucking chair. He responds to the text, wishing like hell he had the ability to express anger through text message.

 _My room. The minute you’re done._

He doesn’t get a response, but then, he wasn’t really expecting one.

____

The gentle rap of knuckles on the door rouses Jensen - he’d fallen into one of those not-quite-sleeps, slouched in the chair and staring absently out the window into the endless sea of lights. San Diego is a really beautiful city, but Jensen misses Vancouver. He grew up in a smaller town, he’s way more comfortable in his and Jared’s modest two-story in the suburbs than he is in the downtown of a big city. The person knocks again, and Jensen shakes himself a little and gets up to answer the door. He knows it’s likely Jared, and the fact that he’s _knocking_ and not just barging in like he normally would probably means he knows Jensen’s pissed off. Or, he’s a lot drunker than he was an hour ago and he’s lost the key Jensen gave him earlier, that’s a definite possibility too.

 _God_ , Jensen hopes it isn’t that.

When he opens the door, Jared looks relatively sober and Jensen wants to sigh in relief but Jared also looks _miserable_ , so they aren’t out of the woods yet. His hair is a mess and his cheeks are pale and sallow looking, and he’s still sweating like crazy, like he does when he’s anxious.

“It was horrible, wasn’t it.”

It isn’t a question, so Jensen doesn’t answer. He just steps back to let his boyfriend into the room. Jared sort of galumphs over to the bed and collapses down onto it face first. His feet hang off the end because he’s way too big for it, for any bed really, and usually Jensen would find that endearing but right now it’s just kind of sad. He exhales shakily and sits down beside Jared’s hip, letting his hand drop to Jared’s back and rubs soothingly.

“It wasn’t horrible,” he says finally, and Jared snorts disbelievingly.

“It was _awful_ ,” he mutters. “I was drunk and nervous and terrible.”

“No you weren’t,” Jensen insists, slipping his fingers under the hem of Jared’s shirt to pet at his warm, sticky skin. He’d sort of been planning on reading Jared the riot act when he came up, but seeing him this upset sucks the will to fight right out of Jensen. “You just … you weren’t really _you_. But it wasn’t terrible. I’m sure no one even noticed.”

“You noticed,” Jared argues petulantly.

“Only cause you already told me you’re in a mood today. Otherwise I would’ve just thought you were a bit hyper or something,” Jensen lies.

Jared huffs and heaves himself up off the bed. “I need a freakin’ drink,” he mumbles, running his hands over his face and pushing his hair back.

“Not happening,” Jensen says firmly.

“What are you, my sponsor?” Jared rolls his eyes and heads for the mini-bar but Jensen gets in his way and shoves him backwards.

“I said no! You had enough already! What’s _with_ you today? You’re really freaking me out, you’re not usually like this!”

“I don’t know!” Jared growls, throwing his hands up in the air in clear frustration. “I’m pissed off and I totally just crapped all over that panel and you and I haven’t been together in forever cause we _can’t_ and Genevieve won’t return my friggin’ phone calls and I don’t know what I did wrong! I hate this!”

Jensen’s still angry, but his heart breaks for him a little. “It’s just a bad day. Things will -”

“If you’re about to tell me things’ll be better in the morning, save it,” Jared snaps. “This isn’t a bad day, it’s a bad _month_!”

Jensen clenches his jaw to keep himself under control. Jared’s acting like a little kid throwing a fit, and Jensen really wants nothing more than to scream at him, but he forces himself to stay on topic.

“Okay, just … talk to me about it.” He takes Jared’s hand and leads him back to the bed; they sit on the edge of the mattress and Jensen keeps Jared’s fingers intertwined with his own. “We have time now, tell me what’s going on. Why’s Genevieve mad at you?”

Jared sniffs and shrugs. “I really don’t know. I don’t even know for sure if she’s mad, she’s just different lately.”

“Different how?” Jensen prods gently.

“She doesn’t want to go anywhere with me, she barely even wants to talk to me.” Jared pulls his hand out of Jensen’s and leans over, resting his elbows on his knees and digging his fingers into the corners of his eyes. “It’s like she’s realizing this was a mistake.”

“Oh.” Jensen isn’t sure what to say to that. Probably nothing he says would be the correct answer right now.

“And you know what? She’s _right_ ,” Jared continues. “This whole thing is so fuckin’ stupid.”

“Jay …” Jensen sighs. “C’mon, you know this is how it has to be.”

“Yeah, I know, of course I know!” Jared snaps irritably. “Doesn’t mean I gotta be happy about it!”

“Maybe Gen’s upset about something else, maybe it’s not you. Girls are moody like that. Danni just goes psycho sometimes for no reason at all, and then the next day she’s fine,” Jensen points out. “Besides, I thought you liked Genevieve.”

“I do! Don’t do that, you know this isn’t about _her_ , Jensen, it has nothing to do with her! Just … god, I don’t know!” Jared gets up off the bed and paces across the room. “I’m just so god damn tired of pretending. I hate this, I hate that now I have to _think_ when I’m around you so I don’t accidentally say something or touch you in some weird way that’ll make people notice! We used to be - just - _us_ , you know? If I felt like hugging you I just hugged you, and it didn’t matter! But now it does, now I have to pay attention!”

He turns back around and glares - Jensen can’t remember the last time he saw Jared this upset when he wasn’t being Sam.

“And I hate that I have to slip ‘my wife’ into every stupid conversation,” Jared grumbles, leaning back on the wall and banging his head against it a few times. “I hate having to pretend it’s her I’m completely head over heels for when it’s you. It’s not fair.”

For a minute or two, Jensen just considers him. This conversation has really taken a turn; when he told Jared to come to his room after he was done with Zach, Jensen wasn’t sure _what_ he was expecting exactly but it certainly wasn’t this. He knew Jared was never thrilled about their arrangement, Jensen himself doesn’t really like it either, but he thought they’d worked all this out already.

“I … I know,” Jensen says finally. “Jesus, you think I _don’t_ know? I’m in this just as much as you.”

“Well then why’m I the only one it’s affecting?” Jared cries. “You never say anything bad about it, you hardly ever say anything at all about Danneel! You act like you have this great life with her, like this doesn’t even bother you!”

“I don’t talk about her because I don’t want the little time you and I actually get together to become about her!” Jensen protests. “But of course it bothers me! And Danni - shit, I mean she’s nice and all, whatever, but she’s so freakin’ into all this, into the pasted on smiles and the red carpets and the diamond ring and this stupid, fabricated image of the perfect little couple she’s created for us!”

Jared huffs and shakes his head a little, but he doesn’t say anything so Jensen leaps up off the bed and barrages on.

“For the love of god, Jay, she got us a _dog_! A white, fluffy, Paris Hilton lookin’ dog, to match our white walls and our white couch and our white bed, because apparently everything in our made-up life has to be flawless down to the last detail and it makes me sick!” Jensen yells, his cheeks burning as he gets worked up. “It actually makes me sick to my stomach to be in that house with her sometimes, when all I really want is to be with you! In _our_ house, in our mess and our mismatched furniture and our _real_ dogs that don’t look like a stuffed toy for a three year old girl!”

Jared kind of crumples in on himself, sinking down into the chair Jensen was sitting in earlier and letting his head loll on the top of the backboard.

“So what’re we gonna do about this?”

Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know. I don’t think there’s anything _to_ do.”

“So you’re telling me to, what exactly?” Jared asks icily. “Suck it up? Rub some dirt in it? Keep pretending I don’t like cock just to keep the asshole studio heads happy?”

“Jared,” Jensen starts heavily but Jared cuts him off.

“No! This is bullshit, Jen! We’re letting some corporate douchebags who we hardly even know tell us who we can and can’t be! I’m sick of it!” Jared yells. “I am in love with someone and it’s the most wonderful thing ever and I wanna yell it from the freakin’ mountains but I can’t because, what, some red-state fans might get uncomfortable?! This is ridiculous! I didn’t wanna do this in the first place and I still don’t!”

“What are you saying?” Jensen asks warily. His heart’s beating into his throat because if Jared’s saying what it sounds like he’s saying, it’s a conversation Jensen is in no way ready to have.

“I’m saying that if we keep letting someone else call the shots, letting someone decide our _life_ for us, pretty soon we won’t have anything left at all that’s ours.”

Jensen blows out an exasperated breath and shakes his head. “Why is this the first time I’m hearing any of this? If you’ve been this unhappy why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I don’t know. I guess I thought it would get better, I thought maybe it would just take some getting used to. But it’s the opposite, it was fine at the beginning but it’s just been getting worse! I’ve missed you, we’re hardly getting to see each other at all and I really, really missed you!”

“I missed you too,” Jensen answers. He did - he didn’t really realize it at the time because he was so busy but now that he has a chance to think about it, he missed Jared a _lot_ in the last few months.

“So then lets end this,” Jared pleads, leaning forward in the chair so Jensen gets hit dead-on with the puppy eyes. “C’mon, we don’t have to do this anymore.”

“Okay, when you say _this_ you’re talking about … like, everything?” Jensen asks slowly. “You want us to end our marriages? Tell people about us?”

“I know it’s scary but it could be so _good_ for us,” Jared maintains earnestly. “It would be a little crazy at first but things would cool down eventually. Everybody already thinks we’re fucking anyway, what would be so bad about telling them they’re right?”

Jensen’s heart plummets about a foot into his gut. He doesn’t know how to respond to this, at all. He feels dizzy and a little like he’s going to be sick. He’s freaked out and more than a little confused - this is really the last thing he expected to happen when he got out of bed this morning.

“You know as well as I do we can’t do that. We put so much effort into all this, we can’t just give it up now. What about the show?”

“What _about_ the show?” Jared snaps. “They can’t fire us for being gay, Jensen. That’s like workplace discrimination or something, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal.”

“Well what about after the show? Have you even thought about that?” Jensen returns angrily. “It’s not gonna run forever, and I don’t know about you but I don’t want my career to be over when Supernatural is! I wanna do things, Jare, I wanna be in high profile movies, I wanna direct! What I _don’t_ want is to get type-casted as that gay guy with the pretty friggin’ lips!”

Jared scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“I’m not kidding!” Jensen storms, annoyed that Jared isn’t taking him seriously. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve heard the term ‘blow-job lips’ in my life?! I can’t _do_ this, I can’t be that guy. You are the most confident person I’ve ever met, if you came out tomorrow you’d just completely _own_ it, you’d walk around like you’re still top shit and no one would even think twice about it. But I’m not like that.”

“No, you’re the kind of guy who cares so much about what other people think of him that he lets it control his life.” Jared isn’t yelling anymore, but his quiet, beaten-down voice is so much worse. “The truth is, that you like being with Danneel. You like how it makes you look, you like people seeing you like this big Texas stud with a super hot wife. It’s pathetic, Jensen. I wouldn’t give a damn about what a bunch of strangers think. I would be _proud_ for the world to know you’re mine.”

Jared just shakes his head and slumps back in the chair; eyes going dull like he’s disappointed, and Jensen hates having put that look on his boyfriend’s normally effervescent face. And he hates the hot, twisted feeling in his chest at knowing he let Jared down.

“It isn’t about you, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Jensen says honestly. He steps over and sinks to his knees in front of Jared’s. “And it’s not about Danni either. The happiest I ever am? And I mean ever? Is waking up with you on a Sunday morning, and you’re still all wrapped around me from the night before and the freakin’ grizzly bears you call dogs are taking up most of the bed, and you’re half on top of me so I can barely breathe. And we just lie there all morning and you kiss me without even opening your eyes.”

Jared’s expression gentles just a little, and he leans forward enough so he can look Jensen in the face. His eyes have gone shiny and soft, and Jensen can hardly look at him without a lump forming in his throat, but he forces himself not to look away.

“ _That_ is perfect to me,” Jensen continues, reaching up to brush a strand of hair out of Jared’s eyes. “Not the constant lie I have to play out with Danneel.”

“Then stop. End things with her, take a chance on us,” Jared implores placidly.

Jensen wants to - god help him, he does - but it’s too much. He’s not ready for this. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

Jared nods once, screwing up his forehead and pressing his lips together in what looks like an attempt to keep his emotions in check. “I can’t keep living like this,” he mumbles miserably. “Lying to my family, to our friends, to the people that care about us, Jen it’s … it’s suffocating.”

“Jared …”

“No, I’m being serious,” Jared insists, bordering on frantic now and eyes filling with tears. “It is breaking me down one piece at a time and I don’t know if I can do it anymore.”

Jensen’s pretty sure his heart actually stops for a beat or two. “So what, are you saying we’re over?”

“No, god, _no_ ,” Jared breathes. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and then he drops it down to cup Jensen’s cheek. “I just … I’m really confused right now. I just need some time.”

He nudges Jensen back a little so he can stand up and starts to walk away. Jensen’s frozen, shell-shocked, for a few torturously slow seconds, and then he springboards into motion - he jumps up and chases after Jared, grabbing him and spinning him around and wrapping his arms around him in a crushing hug.

“Don’t do this,” he begs, not even caring how completely pathetic he probably sounds. “Don’t go, we can figure this out. Please.”

Jared exhales heavily. He slides his arms around Jensen’s waist and he holds on tightly; for a few minutes they just stand there wrapped around each other, and for a moment Jensen relaxes and lets himself believe Jared’s changed his mind. He’s back exactly where he belongs, safe and warm in Jared’s arms, and it’s like a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. But then Jared pulls back and rests his forehead against Jensen’s. He ghosts his lips over Jensen’s and for another minute they just breathe each other’s air and Jensen grips fistfulls of the back of Jared’s shirt so tightly he looses feeling in his knuckles. It’s irrational, but _he’s_ irrational right now, and he feels like if he just holds on tight enough Jared won’t be able to leave. But it doesn’t work. Eventually Jared takes Jensen’s arms and lifts them off his shoulders, gently pushing Jensen away from him.

“I love you,” he whispers. “I really do. But I gotta go.”

And then before Jensen can even wrap his mind around what’s happening, he’s watching Jared walk out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Walking away from Jensen had to be the hardest thing that Jared’s ever had to do in his whole life. The broken look on his boyfriend’s face was damn-near enough to shatter him; enough to make him change his mind and continue with the lie that is slowly knocking him down, brick by brick. But he can’t do it, he can’t keep hiding and pretending. Hell, he’s supposed to go home to Texas next week, how’s he supposed to keep looking his parents in the eyes and lying to them? It’s exhausting and it’s crushing his spirit. Jared knows he hasn’t been himself lately, and Jensen hasn’t really either, and all this has to be why. As much as it pains him, he’s starting to think maybe it’s better to cut and run before this relationship kills him.

Logically, he knows they won’t actually be able to take a ‘break’ from each other in the literal sense. He’ll still see Jensen every freakin’ day at work, and technically they still live together, so Jared’s not exactly sure what he’s hoping to accomplish with all this. He just knows that something has got to give before it bends too far and snaps. And he’s terrified it's gonna be him and Jensen that end up breaking - the worst thing he can possibly imagine is them having some kind of bitter split and not even being able to be friends anymore. All this crap has stretched their relationship so thin, made it so fragile. He’s never regretted falling in love with Jensen, never regretted taking the chance all those years ago, not really. He just wishes things could be different, wishes that Jensen could see what this is doing to him, to _them_.

Jensen’s eyes are red rimmed and glassy when they meet up at the airport and it makes Jared feel like shit all over again. _He_ did that, _he’s_ the one that broke Jensen, made him cry. That’s not right, it’s not how it’s supposed to be. They aren’t supposed to hurt each other. But he meant what he said in Jensen’s room. He just needs a break, just a little bit of time to freakin’ think - to get his head straight without all the pressure weighing down his shoulders, crushing his chest.

Jensen keeps trying to catch his eye but Jared really can’t bring himself to look at his ... is Jensen still even his boyfriend? The thought makes him sick to his stomach. God, they’ve been together for _years_. Just over two, officially as a couple, but really they’ve been together since the day they met. It’s by far the longest relationship he’s ever had - not to mention the best and most intense. He loves Jensen more than he ever thought he’d be capable of loving another person. It’s stupid and sappy but it’s like in a poem, or a chick movie - it’s the kind of all-consuming love Jared didn’t entirely believe even existed until he experienced it first hand. And he’s walking away from it.

Misha keeps shooting them this weird, creepy Cas-like look and it’s starting to irritate Jared. He loves the man to death, but sometimes Jared really thinks he sees way too much. And Jim’s eyeing them warily out of the corner of his eye, like they’re about to shatter into a million pieces and he's trying to weigh his options on whether or not he should get out of the way to avoid getting hit by shrapnel. Jared has to give the older man some credit, he’s not totally off-base.

The flight back to Vancouver is even worse than the flight out _and_ the whole damn day and night rolled into one. Of course, he and Jensen are stuck sitting together - they booked it that way purposely because usually longer flights are the perfect chance to catch up when they’ve been apart for any stretch of time - and it would raise too much suspicion if he asked Misha or Ben or Jim or anyone else to change seats with him. Jensen keeps looking over at him, opening his mouth as if he wants to say something, then snapping it closed again with a shake of his head. God, he looks freaking miserable; he looks like how Jared feels, if not worse. And Jared’s really fucking tempted to say the hell with it all - with the fabrications, the pretend wives, the secret that they’ve fought to keep for so many years - and just kiss his goddamn boyfriend and make that look go away.

But he can’t. And isn’t that the whole damn problem to begin with? The man he loves is hurting - granted, it’s by his own doing - and he can’t do a damn thing about it.

Halfway through the flight, the silence must get to be too much for Jensen because he finally snaps and turns fully to Jared - of course making sure to look around first to ensure that no one’s paying them any attention. Jared actually flinches when Jensen’s palm lands lightly on his forearm, the warmth of Jensen’s hand familiar and comfortable and it sears Jared’s skin like fire. He can’t help but jerk away, not able to handle even that little bit of contact.

“Jared,” Jensen whispers hoarsely and he sounds more broken than Jared’s ever heard - even worse than when he was so lost in his own head during the monologue over Sam’s dead body back in their second season.

White-hot tears prick at the back of Jared’s eyes; throat closed up dangerously but he just can’t _not_ look over at the man he loves. Jensen isn’t quite crying but there are tears pooling in those wide, hazel-green eyes and Jared can’t help but wonder what the limit is on how shitty he can be made to feel in the span of one day. So far, it seems like the level’s pretty damn high. He swallows thickly, curling his fingers into fists so tight his knuckles ache just to keep from reaching out and touching Jensen like he so desperately wants to, _needs_ to.

“Please,” he mumbles. “Don’t, Jen. I _can’t_.”

“Just. Can we talk about this?”

“We already tried. Didn’t turn out so well,” Jared says quietly, teeth gritted together. He’s not angry anymore, he just hurts so much he’s bordering on numb.

“No, we fought. I mean, actually talk.”

Jared merely shakes his head, dropping his chin down toward his chest, hoping to be able to hide behind the curtain of his hair.

“C’mon, baby, don’t do this,” Jensen rasps and Jared can tell the tears are close to falling.

He sure as hell knows his own are. He really hates that Jensen let the word ‘baby’ slip - they’re in a public place and usually Jensen is vigilant about keeping things like that saved for when they’re alone; but this time he didn’t and the pet name just makes Jared feel about a million times worse. But he doesn’t respond, _can’t_ respond, just closes his eyes and leans back further in his seat.

_____

As if things weren’t bad e-fucking-nough already, Genevieve’s at the house when Jared finally drags his ass back home. The sight of her startles him a little, she’s really the last person he was expecting to see - just like Danneel, Gen almost never spends time in Vancouver. When they need to see each other it’s almost always Jared making the trip to LA; hardly ever the other way around. But regardless, here she is; sitting stiffly on the couch, one leg crossed over the other; manicured nails tapping on her thigh. She looks like an uncomfortable, uninvited guest and Jared has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep the hysterical laughter from bubbling out. It’s so completely, tragically absurd that she’s his wife and yet she looks out of place in his home.

At first he avoids the living room altogether, even though it’s sort of moot because she can see him perfectly from her vantage point, but he chooses to let the dogs out first before having to deal with one more hassle that he really doesn’t want to. What he _wants_ to do is yell at her, to demand to know what the hell her problem is all of a sudden. And he wants to tell her to get out - that this is his and Jensen’s house and she has no business being here because this is the _one_ place in the world where Jared doesn’t have to pretend to be somebody he isn’t, and the presence of his fake wife taints it. But he doesn’t do any of that. It's not really her fault and it won’t do any good to scream at her. _He’s_ the one with the problem out of the four of them.

She blinks owlishly when he drops on the couch next to her, one perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised. “Well. You look like shit,” she says dryly.

“Yeah, thanks. Been a rough fuckin’ day.” His head falls back against the couch, gritty, burning eyes sliding shut. He just wants to curl up and go to sleep and have this whole thing turn out to be one long, horrific nightmare.

“So, I watched the feed from the panel with Zach,” she says softly, like she’s afraid he’s gonna blow up at any moment. It’s a fair assumption.

He groans, fingertips digging into the corners of his eyes. “Uh huh.”

“What the hell were you thinking, Jared?”

What little, tiny bit of control Jared was managing to maintain completely snaps. He’s never been a violent person, has never had a bad temper, but right now he feels like he wants to hit something. He shoots a glare at her as he inhales deeply, exhaling slowly to try and get some semblance of control back. “If you'd been around at all for the last friggin’ month, you might know,” he grits out, jaw clenched.

She doesn’t react, she just looks at him, blinking those chocolate brown eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks eventually.

“I’ve barely seen you since I started back to work. You’ve been blowin’ stuff off, not returning my calls.”

“Okay,” she says slowly, drawing out the word unnecessarily long. “What’s that got to do with you doing a charity panel drunk?”

“I …” Jared starts but he really doesn’t know where to go with that. There’s really no decent excuse for his behavior yesterday and he knows that. Frankly he’s surprised Jensen didn’t give him hell about it too. “I don’t wanna talk about this. You should just go.”

She sort of narrows her eyes, like she’s halfway between annoyed and concerned. “No, I’m not gonna just go! I flew all the way up here to check on you! I don’t know what’s going on but you’re kinda freaking me out. I’m gonna call Jensen.”

Jared grabs her wrist a little too roughly when she reaches into her purse for her phone, that maniacal laughter he’s been fighting finally bursting out. Her eyes widen as she looks down at the almost death-grip he has on her delicate wrist, and then back up to his face. In all the time Jared’s know her he can’t honestly say he’s ever seen her look as frightened as she does at that moment - Genevieve’s always been one of the toughest people he knows - but right now she looks like she’s genuinely worried he might hurt her, and where normally that would make him recoil in horror, right now it just spurs him on.

“You can’t call Jensen,” he says, voice raw and rusty.

She frowns, eyebrows knitting together. “ _Why_ can’t I call Jensen?”

“‘Cause as of last night, we broke up.” Just saying it out loud makes Jared want to puke.

She sputters a bit, already big eyes going even wider, blinking slowly like her vision’s gone blurry and she’s trying to focus it. She gapes at him; she looks like a cartoon fish and if he wasn't three quarters of the way to a nervous breakdown, Jared would laugh his ass off at her expression.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“You heard me.”

“I _thought_ I heard you say you and Jensen _broke up_ , I’m just really hoping I’m wrong.”

“Sorry, nope.” Jared slouches back down onto the couch, head lolling on the backboard as he tries to roll some of the tension out of his neck.

“What, uh, what the hell happened?” she asks quietly, like she sincerely wants to know, and instantly Jared feels lower than dirt for snapping at her.

“We had a fight,” he mumbles, covering his eyes with his forearm.

“About?”

Jared lifts his arm up a little so he can peek at her from under it. “You first.”

She frowns again and cocks her head in confusion.

“I wanna know what’s up with you lately,” he clarifies. It’s total deflection, and he probably isn’t fooling her for a second, she’s too smart for that. But he really doesn’t think he could get through telling her about what happened with Jensen, at least not without bursting into tears. So he figures it’s worth a try anyway.

“It’s nothing,” she sighs.

Jared raises an eyebrow. “Quid pro quo, Clarice,” he drawls, snickering when she shudders.

“God, I _hate_ that movie! It’s so creepy.”

“So spill and I’ll stop quoting it,” Jared offers with a grin.

“I just … “ She sighs again and leans back against the cushions, staring down at her hands and shifting a little so she can rest against Jared’s side. “Sometimes this whole thing bums me out a little, that’s all.”

“What whole thing?”

“Look, sometimes, it’s just hard, you know? Being in this thing with you, lying to my friends, meeting guys and knowing nothing can ever happen cause everyone thinks I’m married.” She shakes her head and then drops it onto his shoulder. “Sometimes I get sick of the whole charade. But you know what, it’s my issue. I said I’d do this for you and I’m not gonna back out just cause it isn’t always perfect.”

Jared nods. He tugs his arm out from under her and drapes it over her bony shoulders, pulling her in a little closer. It feels nice to have a warm body close to his, but she’s so tiny compared Jensen. Jensen fits so perfectly in Jared’s arms.

“Alright, your turn,” she murmurs, tucking her small body against Jared’s chest. “Tell me what happened.”

“I … I don’t know. Everything just kind of went wrong all at once.” He rests his chin on the top of her head and exhales heavily.

“You’re gonna have to do better then that. Tit for tat, Hannibal,” she jokes, poking him in the stomach, and he laughs warmly. It’s moments like this that remind him why he liked her so much in the first place.

“It’s probably a really long story,” he warns, but she slouches down a little and gets comfortable.

“Lucky for you, I’ve got all day.”

______

To say that the next day at work is uncomfortable and awkward would be the understatement of the freaking year. At first, Jensen tries desperately to talk to Jared - sometimes trying to catch him alone, sometimes not - but Jared pointedly ignores him as best as he can, even though his best efforts aren’t particularly fruitful. They still have to interact with each other all day long, seeing as they can’t exactly go work on separate things. This was exactly what Jared had been worried about with dating a co-star - the inevitable fall-out should things go bad. He never wanted to believe things could go sour with Jensen, he wanted to be optimistic that they’d make it work no matter what, but now things _have_ gone sour and it’s just as awful as Jared always imagined it would be.

Honestly, he really doesn't know what he's looking to get out of taking a break from Jensen. They're both obviously wrecks without each other and in the grand scheme of things he's not sure how this is going to help. He had good intentions, but it seems like all he’s really done is made everything worse. It's not like he can truly be away from Jensen, not for a long enough stretch of time to really think about what he wants. Doesn’t stop the fact that he somehow feels like he needs this. The pressure’s just built up so much Jared feels like he’s always on the brink of bursting, and he needs a little bit of time to breathe.

By the time lunch rolls around, Jared has so far done his level best to avoid Jensen and Jensen's attempts to talk some sense into him - _c’mon, Jay. This is ridiculous and you know it. Please, talk to me. We can work it out but you gotta talk to me_ \- but Jared hasn’t given an inch, and Jensen moves pretty quickly from hurt to angry. He stops trying to talk to Jared at all except when it's completely unavoidable and has taken to childishly shooting glares in his direction every time their eyes meet. So much for professionalism.

Jared’s hiding in his trailer, mostly untouched lunch making his stomach turn - when the door swings open abruptly. Jared looks up, half-expecting Jensen like usual, and tries not to be too disappointed when he catches sight of a swish of shiny, almost-black hair and Genevieve slips inside instead. Despite the last few months of tension between them, since their talk yesterday she’s being nothing but supportive; even offering to stick around for a while so Jared doesn’t have to be alone in a house that should include Jensen. He appreciates the gesture a lot but it’s not what he really wants. He wants to wallow in self-pity for a few days and then cave and go crawling back to Jensen on his hands and knees if necessary, collapse into his boyfriend’s arms and beg to be given a second chance.

She pushes her way into his personal space without pretense, dropping down on the couch practically in his lap. “What the hell are you doing, Jared?” she asks firmly.

Jared just frowns, confused. He thought that it was pretty obvious.

She sighs, a truly put-upon sound like dealing with him is exhausting her, before gently taking his hand into both her tiny ones. “You’re both completely miserable. And having some kind of stubborn battle of wills isn’t solving a damn thing. You need to talk to him, you need to fix this.”

Of course he knows that she’s right, she isn’t saying anything he hadn’t already figured out himself. But there’s something holding him back, something intangible but _real_ , and it just won’t let him give in yet. If he wants to be truly honest with himself, he was really hurt by Jensen’s reaction to their argument in his suite; a lot more than he’s even allowed himself to admit. And it made him question their entire relationship for the first time. He wants Jensen to feel the same as he does; wants his boyfriend to hate this situation that they’ve found themselves in, wants him to want nothing more than to shout at the top of his lungs that he loves Jared and that Jared loves him. And he wants Jensen to not give a fuck about what the rest of the world has to say about it.  
     
When it came down to the wire, _that’s_ what prompted him to walk away. Jared knows that Jensen loves him, knows it as well as he knows his own name, but it really hurt to find out Jensen doesn’t love him _enough_ to takes the risk. Jensen’s just perfectly content to keep things the way they are, because he doesn’t want to be the pretty boy, gay actor. And Jared understands where Jensen’s coming from, he really does. But somewhere along the line there has to be a breaking point, and apparently this is Jared’s.

The rest of the day, hell, the rest of the week, goes much the same way - Jared withdrawing further into himself as Jensen gets angrier and angrier. There’s petty fights and disagreements that have never been there before - even when they slip into Sam and Dean, their undeniable chemistry is missing for the first time ever. The whole crew’s starting to notice, even the random guest stars and guest directors that have never been on the set before seem put-out; they’ve clearly heard nothing but good things about the show, about how well Jared and Jensen work together and how much they respect and care for one another. But they aren’t showing any of that right now.

Everyone from Clif to Bob to Jim and even the kid who holds the boom mic have tried to get them to talk to each other, pulling them aside both individually and together and pleading with them to work out whatever’s gone wrong, for everyone’s sake. Jared’s even heard whispers about getting Kripke and Sera involved. That’s really the last thing they need but it’s gotten so far out of hand - so far out of Jared’s control - that he really doesn’t know how to fix it on his own anymore. If he had gotten his shit together after just a few days, he could’ve just pulled Jensen aside and quietly apologized and they more than likely would've been okay. But now, almost two weeks have gone by and the time for a simple ‘I’m sorry’ has long since passed.

____

Even though they had at one point talked about him maybe showing up anyway as a surprise, Jensen wasn’t actually set to attend the Boston Convention at the beginning of August in the first place so it’s no real surprise that he opted to stick with not going. It’s a long flight from one side of the country to the other, and Jared spends most of it freaking out; his mind replaying the horror of the last convention they’d attended like his own version of post-traumatic stress disorder. And now he won’t even have Jensen’s calming presence there to pull him back from the edges of panic. Genevieve wanted to go, but honestly couldn’t make it - for once not just blowing it off like she’d been doing more and more - so Jared feels truly alone this time even though he isn’t.

There is some small comfort in Misha being there with him - even though he keeps shooting Jared these pitiful little looks whenever he thinks Jared’s not paying attention. Sometimes Jared’s pretty sure Misha knows a lot more than they think he does. He has this way of quietly observing everyone while still managing to be the life of the party; he’s truly skilled at making it seem like he’s oblivious but he notices _everything_. Jared’s convinced if he wasn’t an actor, Misha could have been a fantastic spy. But it’s nice to have him there to help Jared get through it, to give him someone to lean on. He knows that he’s not his usual up-beat self, that he’s more subdued than usual. But all in all, it doesn’t go too badly. He still drinks a little more than he probably should, but he only talks about Jensen and Genevieve when they’re brought up, making sure not to babble too much about one or the other like he did in San Diego. It’s actually pretty easy to avoid the subject of his co-star; talking about Jensen still hurts too damn much.

When he gets back to Vancouver, there’s a message from Genevieve asking if he’d heard that there’s talk about this not being the last season after all, that the suits are finally starting to pay them some attention and support. She says there’s a new network president or something, apparently he’s a fan of the show and wants to keep it going. Jared hadn’t heard that yet, but now that he has it unsettles something inside him. They’re only a month into filming this season and now there’s the possibility of more? There’s no way that they can continue the way they have been, with things so tense and uncomfortable between him and Jensen. It’s not fair to the fans, the show, the crew. It’s not fair to anyone.

Jared’s whole body goes hot and cold at the same time as panic sets in. He knows that he needs to fix this - at the very least he and Jensen have to try to be friends again, to try and get back the vibe that’s been there from day one. Sighing to himself, Jared jumps in his truck and heads across town to the hotel he knows Jensen’s been staying at. Jensen never actually told him where he’d been living for the last few weeks, but Jared knows he’ll be there because it’s the same one Jensen always stays at with Danneel on the few occasions she’s come to Vancouver. He parks across the street, looking up at the window on the seventh floor he knows is the room they always get. The light’s on and Jared sees a silhouette pass through the sheer curtains. It’s too short and slight to be Jensen and Jared’s chest tightens in a moment of sheer dread. Suddenly the only thing Jared can focus on is that Jensen’s found someone else. A _female_ someone else. The thought that it might be Danneel never even enters his head.


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen sighs as he watches Danneel pace the living room in large, exaggerated strides. He’s starting to get a little dizzy tracking her movements back and forth, back and forth. She’d surprised him by showing up a few hours ago - swooping in unexpectedly and pulling him out of his self-imposed pity-party - with the explanation that she’d heard from a friend of a friend that Jensen was crapping all over his scenes with Jared (her words, not his). She’d flailed her arms and sputtered unintelligibly - if he wasn’t hurting so goddamn much he’d have laughed his ass off - when he told her they broke up. Danneel’s usually fairly sweet and even-tempered but when she gets mad she gets _mad_ , and at that moment she was practically shaking in rage. She was mad at Jared for leaving, she was absolutely furious with Genevieve for being what got the ball rolling (Jensen isn’t positive but he’s pretty sure he heard her mutter something that sounded a lot like “I’mma show that little hobbit a thing or two”). Hell, she was even angry at Jensen which he didn’t totally understand; _he_ was the one that got dumped after all.

“Why’re you so pissed?” he asks softly; curious but not entirely keen on the possibility of her turning that direct wrath on to him. She may be tiny and dainty but she’s friggin’ scary as hell when she’s so upset.

“Because this is crap! I agreed to all this ‘cause I believed that you and Jared were for real, Jensen! I put my whole _life_ on hold to play pretend with you, _for you_ , ‘cause we’re friends! And y’all can’t even make it two damn years?”

To be fair, he and Jared have sort of been together almost six years but he’s not stupid enough to point that out. He knows enough not to sass a Southern woman when she’s this worked up, and he knows that’s not really what she means anyway.

“What the hell do you want me to say, Danni? Yeah, it fuckin’ sucks. M’sorry that we’ve put you through this, I really am, but I lost the freakin’ love of my life here. So forgive me for being a little goddamn selfish!”

She turns to him finally, face and eyes and tone softening just a little. “I know, sweetie. And I’m sorry that you fought, but c’mon, this _can’t_ be the end. You two are so ridiculously gaga over each other, it’s almost gross.”

Jensen shrugs. “I thought so too. Guess I was wrong.”

“Oh _please_ ,” she scoffs irritably, tossing her hair and crossing her arms. “Are you both new at this or something? People fight! It doesn’t mean you give up! You _love_ each other, that doesn’t just go away because one of you had a shitty day! I mean, that’s … just … it’s so idiotic it’s beyond description!”

“Well I’m sorry!” Jensen cries in protest. He’s trying to be patient but she’s really testing his limits, acting like he’s the one who’s done something wrong. “I begged him not to go, I was literally on my knees for shit’s sake! And I tried for _days_ after to get him to talk to me, everyone did, but he wouldn’t! He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore! I really don’t know what else I’m supposed to do!”

She huffs and starts pacing again, pausing and then doing a double-take when she passes the window. She looks at him over her shoulder, frowning slightly. “What’s Jared’s truck doing parked across the street?”

Jensen’s up off the couch like a shot, crowding in behind her to look out the window. Sure enough, Jared’s black pick-up truck is sitting right there, slight puffs of exhaust expelling from the tailpipe in the chilly night air. And he can just make out Jared’s achingly familiar profile, his gaze trained straight ahead out the front windshield. He thinks Jared might look angry, but he’s too far away to tell for sure. Jensen frowns himself, shooting a glance at Danneel out of the corner of his eye.

He shrugs a shoulder would-be-casually, turning away from the window to fight the temptation of standing there and finally being able to just look at Jared again without the other man knowing, to be able to study his boyfriend’s - ex-boyfriend’s - features without fear of getting caught. “I honestly have no idea. He probably just got back from Boston but I don’t know why he’s here. Or why the hell he’s just sitting there.”

Danneel drops the curtain and pivots quickly back to him, blinking a few times slowly. “Why the hell are _you_ just sitting there? Go talk to him, you moron.”

He gapes at her, mouth falling open slightly. “Have you lost your mind?” he hisses. “We can barely even be in the same room anymore. The last damn thing I’m gonna do is go talk to him!”

She glares at him for another half a second with so much fire in her intense gaze it’s nothing short of frightening, and then she springs into action, rolling her eyes as she stalks passed him, muttering something under her breath. He doesn’t hear every word but manages to catch “stupid fuckin’ men” and “stubborn jackasses” and “do it my damn self”. It’s only after she slams the door behind her that it occurs to him what she’s doing, and by then it’s too late to stop her.

He rushes back over to the window, watching as she walks briskly over to the truck; Jared’s eyes going wide when he spots her, a look of shear confusion on his face. Jensen idly wonders what he’s confused about, it’s not that unusual for her to be here. Jared rolls the window down, turning slightly in his seat so that he can talk to her. She gestures emphatically back toward the hotel, hands and arms moving while she talks - Jensen can’t help the sight chuckle, she’s always been ... enthusiastic when she’s worked up about something. Jared shakes his head a little, shooting a quick glance up toward the window. They lock eyes for a moment, or at least it feels like they do; Jensen’s not really sure if Jared can see him clearly from that far away or not.

Then Jared tears his eyes away - the most heartbreaking look takes over his beautiful face and Jensen’s gut clenches. He wants so badly to run down there, take Jared into his arms and kiss away that look and promise him whatever it takes to make him smile again. Danni’s gestures get bigger, one of her small hands actually flying into the window and one slender finger pokes at Jared’s massive chest. He flinches, eyes growing comically wide as he ducks away from the slap she aims at the back of his head. He’s still shaking his head no, that pleading puppy-dog look that's _always_ been Jensen’s kryptonite settling firmly into place. But amazingly enough, Danneel’s always been immune to the Padalecki puppy eyes of doom. She’s the only person Jensen's ever known to not be swayed by that look.

She huffs a bit, stomping her foot like an angry five year old and Jensen really wishes he could hear what they’re saying. He has a pretty strong feeling that no matter how much Jared resists, Danni’s going to get her way eventually anyway. She’s the kind of person who _takes_ what she wants if people won’t willingly give it up. Honestly it’s one of the things Jensen likes most about her, but he knows it isn’t always fun to be on the receiving end of; he doesn’t envy Jared right now. Suddenly, she squares her shoulders and grabs the door handle, flinging open the door like it’s made of paper and all but dragging Jared from the seat. It’s funny as hell - slight, elegant little Danneel manhandling Jared’s massive frame as if he were no heavier than a plush toy and Jensen laughs outright even though there are tears burning white-hot in his eyes again. He hasn’t actually cried since they left San Diego, somehow unable to. It’s like the hurt’s so big he hasn’t completely been able to process it yet.

Danneel has one small hand wrapped around Jared’s wrist, her fingers don’t even come close to fitting all the way around it, and she tugs him across the street. He doesn’t dig his heels in or really try to stop her - all three of them know he’s more than capable to put a stop to it if he wanted to, but won’t take the risk of hurting her. He truly is a gentle giant. Jensen swallows thickly, turning in the direction of the door to wait for them to get upstairs even though his heart is jack-rabbiting against his ribcage in anticipation. He hears the deep rumble of Jared’s voice before they even enter the room, no doubt still pleading with her not to do this. Her tone is harsh when she answers but he still can’t make out what they’re saying.

The closing of the door is soft but Jensen still flinches. They emerge from the short hallway, Jared’s wrist still trapped in Danneel’s tight fist; looking uncannily like a stern school principal and a kid who just got caught peeping in the girls washroom. She lets go and then shoves Jared further into the room; he stumbles and almost falls over the couch but she doesn’t look the least bit apologetic. Just the opposite, actually; if this were a cartoon there would totally be steam shooting out of her ears.

“Y’all won't take the first step yourselves? Fine, I’ll do it for you.” She looks at each of them in turn, pointing at Jared first then Jensen. “You’re both idiots. Seriously, the level of ridiculous in the room right now is un-fucking-believable. But you’ve worked so hard to be together, and you love each other too damn much to let this stupid shit get between you. And you know what, Genevieve and I have _not_ sacrificed this much just to watch you throw it all away over some stupid argument!” She looks pointedly back and forth again. “Fix. It,” she grinds out between gritted teeth before grabbing her purse. “I’ll be back in a while. You had better be talking or making up when I get back.”

Jensen blinks rapidly as he watches her walk out the door again. The funny-slash-horrifying part is he knows that she’s not even sort of kidding, possibly will even go so far as to open the bedroom door to make sure they are ‘making up’ if that’s the way this ends up going. He turns to Jared hesitantly; who has one eyebrow raised and his mouth hanging open slightly, staring down the hallway that she just disappeared down. His eyes swing to Jensen’s briefly before looking back to the hallway then back again.

“She’s serious, ain’t she?” he asks, shock coloring his tone.

Jensen can’t help but chuckle. “Probably. I love the woman but I swear, she’s like fifteen different kinds of crazy. I guess maybe we should talk.”

“Yeah,” Jared breaths, laughing weakly.

“Course, we could always hide out in the bedroom to make her think we’re making up, but then she might bust down the damn door and demand proof,” Jensen jokes.

Jared’s gaze snaps back to him, slightly slanted hazel eyes blinking furiously. “Seriously?” he squeaks.

“Nah, don’t think she’d necessarily go _that_ far. But I don’t wanna really test it either.”

It’s a little disconcerting how easy it is to fall back into their old dynamic. Jensen’s somewhat comforted by it, but at the same time he’s not sure he entirely likes the feeling. A big part of him still wants to be mad at and hurt by Jared, and sitting here joking with him doesn’t feel right like it used to. He studies Jared for a moment, aching for the awkwardness and the distance to just disappear.

“What’re you doin’ here, Jay?” he asks softly.

Jared’s eyes are still slightly wide and more than a little terrified - whether it’s because of Danni’s threats or the fact that he’s standing in Jensen’s hotel room after two weeks of animosity and damn-near silence between them is unclear. There’s a blush staining his high cheekbones and Jensen fucking _aches_ to touch the blood-warmed skin. Jared licks his lips, one hand sliding through his hair to push it back off his forehead, and he’s a little jittery and can’t quite meet Jensen’s eyes. Those are all Jared’s nervous ticks, little tells that most people would never notice but Jensen knows Jared well enough to know them all intimately. He really wants to touch Jared, just a hand on his arm or something to reassure him, but Jensen can’t. He’s more smashed up on the inside than he’s ever been in his life and he doesn’t have the strength right now to put aside his own grief and deal with Jared’s discomfort.

“I, uh, when I got home from the con, there was a message from Genevieve. Did you know the network’s talkin’ about this not being our last year?”

Jared’s voice is soft, unsure and tentative like Jensen hasn’t heard it since they admitted their mutual attraction early in season one but were too scared to do anything about it. Back when Jared hadn’t quite figured out how to own his swagger and was still all sweet and shy. It makes Jensen nostalgic for days gone by, when they were just _them_ and things were so _easy_. Before everything got so complicated. Before everyone - agents and publicists and PR reps and even the producers of the show - started telling them it was a bad idea for them to be so abnormally close, and even worse for them to live together while they were both single. The freaking rumors damn-near wrote themselves. Although Jensen’s not really sure they still count as rumors seeing as most of them were completely true.

He can’t even totally remember whose idea it was anymore but not long after their fourth season wrapped up, the four of them were sitting down at the house setting up a plan and working out all the kinks. Sure, at the time, it almost, kinda made sense, even though Jensen hated it. They would be more appealing to the masses if they were happily married and the better Jared and Jensen looked the better the show would look. Jensen understood the necessity for it, but he was never crazy about it. But Jared never said a word, he just smiled fakely and went along with it like it was the best freaking idea he’d ever heard before, and even though Jensen could see through the act he never said anything either. Truthfully, it was all such a frantic whirl-wind that was mostly worked out through lawyers and their managers, and Jensen _still_ doesn’t really know how it ended up going this far. His own mom doesn’t even know the truth. Doesn’t know that the charming, feisty daughter-in-law that she’s hoping will give her more grandkids is just a really good friend and the goofy, floppy-haired man-child that she thinks of as another son is really the one that owns Jensen’s heart, body, and soul.

He realizes belatedly that he’s still just staring blankly at Jared - too caught up in his thoughts and memories to actually answer the other man’s question. His palm is sweaty when he rubs it across the back of his neck; just spending five minutes in the same room as Jared and _not_ fighting is affecting him way too much.

“Yeah,” he breathes. “I heard about it yesterday when they made the announcement.”

Jared purses his lips and nods a little, and a heart-stopping, breath-stealing thought occurs to Jensen as he tries to get a read on Jared's emotions.

“Do you … are you not wantin’ to do it?” He can’t help the way his voice breaks, the thought of losing the show is almost as scary as losing Jared.

“Huh? What? No,” Jared mutters, shaking his head fervently. “I just - fuck,” he growls, hand sliding into his hair again, fingers tightening in the strands and pulling a bit. “I wanna, of course I do. I love the show, man. But the way things are right now? We can’t keep goin’ like this if we wanna actually make this season and possibly the next one any good. The strain’s startin’ to show, Jen. Everyone can see it.”

Jensen frowns slightly but nods. He knows that Jared’s right, but he just doesn’t really know what the fuck to do about it. He wasn’t the one that was secretly unhappy, he wasn’t the one who walked away. “Whaddya want me to say, Jared?” he asks coldly. “‘m tryin’ the best I can here, man, but it’s not like any of this is fuckin’ easy! It’s really, really hard, actually, so I’m sorry if I’ve been an asshole lately but I’m kinda messed up right now, thanks to you!”

Jared scoffs, his expression turning icy. “You think it’s any easier for me?”

“You’re the one that left, not me. Sure, things weren’t perfect but at least we were together! Now, we got ... _I_ got nothin’. So excuse me if it’s taking me more than two weeks to get over the last six years!” he yells, not even _trying_ to stifle his temper. This fight has been a long time coming.

Jared blinks furiously, trying to fight the tears that Jensen can see pooling in his eyes. “You think I’m over it?” he asks hoarsely, so quietly Jensen almost doesn’t catch it.

“I don’t honestly know _what_ to think anymore,” Jensen answers in a voice thick with emotion. “You won't fuckin’ talk to me, you’ve been avoiding me like the goddamn plague! Which, by the way, is something I thought would _never_ happen! When we first started floatin’ the idea of _us_ but we were a little hesitant cause we worked together, the thing that made me want to give it a try was knowing that no matter what happened I’d never lose you! Cause I thought you were the kind’a friend who grabs on to people and clings to them and never lets go! Except that you _did_ let go!” Jensen drops his exhausted body down onto the arm of the couch because his legs can’t hold him up anymore. “You’ve always been the strong one; you’re supposed to be the rock in this relationship and the first time we hit a bad rough patch, you just ran away! So, yeah, I guess I’m havin’ a bit of a hard time gettin’ a read on you right now.”

Jared’s whole body slumps and then crumples like someone cut the strings on a puppet and he slides down the wall behind him, grunting a bit when his ass hits the ground. The tears that he’d been fighting so hard to keep back track slowly down his cheeks and Jensen has to curl his hands into fists to fight the natural urge to rush over there and take care of him. Even after everything, Jared is still his friend and it shatters Jensen inside to see him so sad.

“Didn't wanna end things with you. I just needed a damn break.”

He glances up, eyes glassy and tortured and he just looks so fucking _broken_ that Jensen looses the ability to fight the urge to go to him. Jensen drops down to his knees in front of Jared on the hardwood floor, hands landing tentatively on Jared’s bent knees. Jared smiles sadly through the tears, eyes searching Jensen’s face like it holds all the answers. “It really hurt when I asked you to take a chance on us, to end all this stupid shit and you refused.”

Jensen opens his mouth to give the standard, canned response but it just won’t come. Granted, he _knew_ that he’d hurt Jared, but he didn’t really realize just how _much_. Jared shakes his head a bit, holding out one slightly shaky hand.

“Wait. Just ... please let me finish,” he says softly. “We can’t keep goin’ like this. Especially if they’re serious about another season. We owe it to the fans, the crew, _everyone_ to do it right. Hell, we owe it to Sam and Dean, man. We gotta at least try and be friends again.”

Emotion tightens Jensen’s throat, and tears burn at the corners of his own eyes. “Is that want you want, Jay? You wanna go back to bein’ just friends?” The very idea _hurts_. Granted, they aren’t exactly _together_ at the moment but Jensen had still held out hope that they could _somehow_ work things out.

Jared’s eyes drop, long, slender fingers picking nervously at the seam of his jeans. He shakes his head as more wet droplets fall from his eyes, landing on his chest and soaking through the material of his shirt. “No. I don’t want it at all. But,” he sighs, “seems like we’re kinda stuck. I don’t know what else to do, I don’t wanna be without you but I just can’t take the lies anymore. ‘s too hard, Jen. Hurts too much.”

The tears are coming faster now, accompanied by weak, pitiful shudders and Jensen doesn’t even think about it for a second before he hauls Jared to his chest, one hand petting over the back of his head through messy strands of soft, chestnut colored hair. Jared stiffens for a moment but then he melts against Jensen’s chest, a harsh sob breaking free from his throat.

“Shh, ‘s okay, Jare. I got you,” Jensen coos softly, rocking them slightly back and forth, his own tears finally breaking free. Jared’s big but right now he seems so damn small.

Jared’s fingers dig bruise-tight into the back of his t-shirt, face buried in Jensen’s neck. “Missed you so much. Love you, Jensen.” He pulls back just enough to turn those miserable, hazel eyes up at Jensen. “Please. I don’t wanna be without you,” he repeats.

Jensen presses a wet kiss to his forehead, the tip of his nose, the side of his wide, candy-pink lips. He doesn’t know where they’re heading from here but he does know that he’s not spending another second without Jared by his side. “We’ll figure somethin’ out, baby. I promise. Don’t wanna be without you either.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jared wants so badly to believe; probably more than he’s ever wanted anything in his entire life. Every bone in his body aches to let himself curl up in Jensen’s strong, protecting arms, and just let go. Of everything, of all the hurt and the loneliness and the fear that he might have lost the love of his life forever. He wants to just cry, to just let the tears flow and not worry about being strong - to let his Jensen take away all the pain until there’s nothing left. Even something as cold and empty as numbness would be an improvement over the way Jared’s been feeling since he and Jensen have been apart. But even if all that would make him feel better temporarily, the problem would still remain. Even if they work this out tonight, if they both admit they’ve been stupid and decide to get back together, the issues that broke them up in the first place are still going to be there tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. And Jared meant what he said - he wants to be with Jensen more than anything in the world but he can’t keep carrying on the way they have been.

It hasn’t been working for him, for a long time now. He’d been unhappy for a really long time; it took him a while to even realize it, and then even longer to figure out exactly why but once he did it was all he could think about. He found himself resenting their fans, resenting Genevieve, everything that had ever gotten in the way of their relationship became a source of anger for Jared and he didn’t like the person he was turning into. He never wanted to walk out on Jensen, but he really felt like he’d run out of options. He barely even feels like a whole person sometimes these days; he feels like a pawn forced to play out someone else’s happy ending - someone else’s twisted version of happily ever after. It’s stifling; it’s like being deprived of oxygen but forced to keep running. And he can’t do it anymore.

He lingers in Jensen’s arms for just a few moments longer because he can’t find the strength to pull away, letting himself enjoy the feeling of warmth and love and safety for the first time in what feels like forever. Jensen’s arms are strong around him and for a minute or two Jared just sniffles pathetically and allows himself to fall apart - knowing Jensen is there to hold him together. It’s oddly freeing, momentarily letting all his walls down and trusting that Jensen won’t let him fall. And then reluctantly, he pulls away, back pressing against the wall again. Jensen frowns and reaches for him but Jared catches his wrists, carefully moving his hands away. It’s harder than hell to push him away again, but Jared somehow manages it without completely breaking down.

“How?” he asks once he’s regained some control over himself.

“How what?” Jensen cocks his head to one side and looks adorably confused, and Jared bites back a groan - _fuck_ , this shouldn’t have to be so damn hard.

“How’re we gonna figure this out? I love you and I missed you and I want us to be together, but if we just say we’re sorry and go back to the way things were … Jen, it isn’t gonna last. If we don’t try and fix things we’re just gonna end up right back here in a few months.” Jared sniffs again and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “I don’t know if I could handle walking away from you again.”

Jensen licks his lips, shifting so that he can drop down on his butt, legs brought up to his chest as he leans against the back of the couch. “I don’t honestly know. I mean, ‘m just not ready to be out, y’know? That’s a really, really big step, and I know that’s what you want, but I just _can’t_.”

Jared nods thoughtfully and waits for Jensen to continue.

“And it doesn’t have anything to do with you, you have to know that. I love you, so freakin’ much and I _am_ proud to be your boyfriend. But you know as well as I do that, for all the industry’s big talk about equality or whatever, things would still be a lot harder for us. Sure, we may not get black-listed or anything but it’d still be tougher to find work. We’d be a liability, people wouldn’t wanna deal with the drama. Are you really ready to be done? You really wanna give up your career so soon?”

“I … I don’t know,” Jared answers honestly. It’s the truth - he’s still so confused about everything and he really doesn’t know what he feels anymore.

“You are so talented, Jared, you could do amazing things after the show ends if you wanted to,” Jensen insists. “I know it sucks to have to hide, but is it really _worth_ it to throw all your potential away just so we can hold hands in public?”

Jared’s head falls back, thunking against the wall. He wants to argue, but he knows Jensen has a point. Those were the exact reasons he agreed to this crazy-making plan to begin with. It still doesn’t soothe his broken heart. “You’re right, I know you’re right, it’s just …” Jared exhales heavily and bangs the back of his head against the wall again in frustration. “It isn’t just about wanting other people to know, though, it’s not like you’re some trophy I want to show off. It’s … it’s about being able to be a real couple, when it counts.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, on the plane. You were hurting and I couldn’t do anything about it ‘cause we were in public. That just killed me,” Jared offers as an example. It hurts to even think about it. “That’s like my worst nightmare, Jensen. I have this scenario that plays out in my head sometimes, that one day your dad or Josh or whoever is gonna be in a car accident or something, and we’re sitting in this waiting room in a hospital, and you’re scared and you’re upset and you _need_ me, but I can’t hold you and kiss you and tell you it’s gonna be okay because there are people watching.”

“I would understand,” Jensen argues quietly, and Jared huffs impatiently.

“That isn’t the _point_.” He regards Jensen silently for a moment, sighing heavily. “Ya know, my mom called the day after my birthday, all concerned and wantin’ to make sure everything with me and Genevieve was okay, because she wasn’t there with me in Seattle. She even offered to fly out and help. I had to lie and tell her that I asked Gen not to come so I could spend some time with my sister, just the two of us. D’you have any idea how shitty I feel havin’ to lie to my momma like that?”

Jensen’s eyes flicker towards the ground - he won’t meet Jared’s gaze so Jared barrels on.

“It makes me feel like dirt, Jensen, worse than. I _hate_ keeping this from my family, and that’s not gonna go away! As long as we’re still playing this stupid game, that’s just gonna keep getting worse. What am I supposed to say if my parents start asking about grandkids? I’m almost thirty, tons of people have kids at my age! I can’t keep putting off that conversation forever.”

Jensen chews on his bottom lip for a moment before half-shrugging. “So let's not.”

Jared frowns, eyebrows furrowing. “Let’s not _what_?”

“Lie to our families,” Jensen says softly.

Jared’s eyes widen, completely stunned for a moment. “What?” he asks dumbly, doesn’t think he can really be held accountable for his total, utter confusion at the moment.

“I know it’s not tellin’ the whole world like you wanna, but it’s at least a start.” Jensen shrugs again. “I don't really like lying to my parents either, Jay. And really, they’re the most important people to us, right? The rest of the world really don’t matter.”

Jensen’s right, it _is_ a start. And lying to his family has hurt more than lying to everyone else. It also means that Jensen’s willing to make an effort, to start taking the steps to them one day being able to end the charade, and that’s really all Jared wanted in the first place. He smiles softly, feeling a sense of hope swell in his heart again like a balloon.

“Really?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah, really.”

Jared grins - big and bright and real - for what feels like the first time in months; his dimples digging deep into his cheeks so hard it almost hurts. He surges forward, crashing into Jensen so forcefully the couch scoots across the floor and Jensen ends up sprawled out on the hardwood. He laughs, deep and rich, and Jared closes his eyes, not realizing just how much he missed that sound until this very moment. When his eyes flutter back open, Jensen’s looking up at him - gaze velvet soft and fond, eyes kinda liquid.

“So, that’s a yes?”

“I love you,” Jared breathes softly before crushing their lips together.

It’s fast and messy - more teeth and tongues than lips - frantic, with no real finesse. But to Jared, it’s fucking perfect. Jensen’s got one hand tangled in his hair, the other splayed wide and low on the small of his back, pushing just under the hem of his t-shirt. The feel of Jensen’s warm fingers against Jared’s flesh soothes over the rest of the hurt and confusion, like that one simple touch sucks away the last few weeks and leaves Jared with nothing but how good it is to have Jensen under him again. But the second Jensen’s lips leave his, it all comes rushing back. Jensen pulls away with a gasp after a few long moments and Jared drops his forehead to rest against his boyfriend’s. Now that it’s all said and done, what they’ve been through catches up to Jared and how much hurt he’s caused Jensen settles like a stone in his stomach.

“‘m so sorry, Jen,” he whispers, moving down to nuzzle under Jensen’s jaw, the stubble there tickling his nose and he presses his lips to the sensitive skin over his fluttering pulse. “God, I really messed everything up, didn’t I?”

“No you didn’t. And I’m sorry, too. Shh, hey, ‘s okay.” Jensen murmurs between kisses pressed against his temple.

It’s really not okay, actually, but Jared just wants to put it all behind them and focus on rebuilding what they’ve lost. He tucks himself in closer to his boyfriend, lips moving with more intent over his neck and jaw. He’s so into it; the need to reconnect and feel all of Jensen surrounding him so overwhelming; that he doesn’t hear the door opening and closing softly. In fact, he doesn't hear - or notice anything other than Jensen - until he hears a very unladylike snort from across the room. He pulls away enough to look over his shoulder. Danneel’s standing there leaning against the door-frame, arms crossed over her chest, smirk pulling up one side of her lips. His eyes go wide and he scrambles to get off of Jensen, embarrassment burning his cheeks. It’s not like it’s the first time she’s ever seen them kiss, it’s not even the first time she’s walked in on them in a compromising position, but he still feels too raw and exposed under her knowing look.

“Told ya I’d be back,” she says around a giggle.

“You said a while!” Jensen protests loudly from where he’s still lying flat on his back on the floor. “That was like twenty minutes!”

“Yeah, well. Thought I might have to bust some heads if you two were still sittin’ here being dumb as fuck. So. I take it y’all made up?” she asks pointedly, looking between them with a raised eyebrow.

Jensen sits up slowly and Jared’s pretty sure he hears him mutter something about “fuckin’ cock-blocking wife” before he settles against the wall again and pulls Jared into his side, letting Jared bury his burning face against his shoulder. “Yeah, we did. Thanks for the push. But, d’ya mind? Was kinda in the middle-a somethin’ here?”

Jared snuggles closer, smiling as Jensen’s accent slips out more than usual - the slow Texas twang going straight to his cock. He draws his knees up a little in a lame attempt to hide the quickly filling erection that’s pushing against the crotch of his jeans, but he knows it’s probably pointless. Like that old expression his dad used to use all the time - it’s like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted.

Her lilting laughter fills the room before she says fondly, “No problem, sugar. Have fun, boys. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Jared lifts his head up a little when he hears her heels clicking on the hardwood, he watches her walk back all the way down the hall, hips swaying as she moves. She pauses at the door, hand on the knob, and turns back to them with a flirty wink.

“Or, well, I don’t actually have a lot of ass sex, so I guess I should say, do _lots_ of things I wouldn’t do.”

After she’s gone, Jensen breathes an uncomfortable, relieved laugh. “What’d I tell ya? She’s certifiable.”

Jared exhales shakily and shakes his head a little. He wracks his brain but he can’t honestly think of anything to say, so he settles for staying quiet and leaning his head down on Jensen’s shoulder again. Jensen tightens the arm around Jared’s shoulder and slides his other one across Jared’s stomach, curling his fingers over Jared’s hip and holding him snugly.

“You smell good,” he murmurs against Jared’s temple. “I missed that.”

“Do you remember when I hugged you at my wedding?” Jared asks quietly. He isn’t really sure what made him think of it - he’d been lost in kissing Jensen and delirious _want_ a few minutes ago, but Danneel showing up sort of brought him back down to earth a little and now his head is swimming with how much they still have to figure out before things can truly be okay between him and Jensen again.

Jensen laughs softly. “‘Course I do. You were kinda clinging to me, dude. There’s pictures of it all over the internet. Didn’t exactly help with the rumors.”

“I know.” Jared sighs a little and pushes his face further into Jensen’s neck. “It was just supposed to be a ‘thanks for coming’ kind of hug, I mean I hugged all my other groomsmen and it didn’t mean anything. But you … the second I got you in my arms, I didn’t ever wanna let go.”

“I … I know.” Jensen sighs back and tightens his arms around Jared’s body. “Me neither.”

“I think that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” Jared says, his voice coming out tiny and insignificant against Jensen’s skin. “Standing up there in front of all those people, telling the whole world how much I loved her, when I could feel you there right behind me. I just wanted to turn around and grab you and tell them it was _you_ I wanna spend the rest of my life with, but I couldn’t. I _can’t_. And I … I don’t know. I know it isn’t your fault, I shouldn’t have said all those things to you when we had that fight. But sometimes it just hurts.”

“Me too. It wasn’t exactly a picnic watching you get married, either.” Jensen nuzzles into Jared’s hair. “But we’ll get there, okay? One day none of this is going to matter, and we can just be together and say the hell with the rest of it. Baby steps, Jay. Things like this don’t change overnight, you know?”

“D’you think our parents are gonna be mad?” Jared asks. Even in his own head he sounds like a scared little boy, worried about disappointing his momma, but he can’t help it and he knows Jensen won’t make fun of him.

“Maybe,” Jensen answers. “Probably more about the lying than anything else. But I don’t know. Don’t parents always just want you to be happy?”

“Guess so.” Jared shrugs a little; as much as he can with Jensen’s arm draped heavily over his shoulders. “How should we tell them? You wanna do it together, or - ?”

“Hey, c’mon, we don’t have to work all that out right this minute,” Jensen interrupts, chuckling and rubbing Jared’s arm. “How about we save the freaking out for tomorrow and you let me kiss you s’more?”

“Oh. Yeah, right. Sorry.” Jared shakes his head a little to clear it. “I kinda killed the mood, didn’t I?”

“Pretty sure my wife walking in on me making out with my boyfriend is what killed it.” Jensen grins widely and Jared chuckles.

“That would do it.”

Jensen just smiles, that big, bright, thousand-watt smile that lights up his whole face, and then he leans down to kiss Jared softly, chastely, just a barely-there brush of his lips and Jared melts into it. He missed Jensen so much, he’s not sure he entirely realized it until right this minute but now that he has it’s all he can think about; it overwhelms him. They’re hardly even kissing, just resting mouths together and sharing air, but it’s the best thing Jared’s felt in weeks. That horribly numb, crushing feeling that’s taken up residence in his chest recently is lifting, replaced by the familiar tingle and warmth that fills him when he’s close to Jensen. He’d almost managed to forget how good it is to be near him, but now it all comes rushing back and Jared can’t work out how he ever survived without it.

“I really love you,” Jensen whispers, nudging Jared’s nose with his own. “I want you to know that. Never forget it, alright?”

Jared nods because he can’t answer, emotion leaving a lump in his throat and a slight stinging in his eyes. It’s so perfect, being here with Jensen again after the time they spent apart. Even though they’re huddled on the floor in a hotel room and not back in their own bed where they belong, it still feels _right_ \- it’s almost too much to handle, and it takes Jared’s breath away a little. He wraps his fingers around Jensen’s bicep and squeezes tightly, suddenly irrationally afraid that if he doesn’t hold on tight enough Jensen might disappear, that this might all turn out to be some crazy, wonderful dream. But it isn’t; with the hand that’s on Jared’s hip, Jensen slides his fingers up under Jared’s shirt and brushes his fingers over Jared’s hip; and his hand is warm and _real_ against Jared’s bare skin. Jared drops his head down to rest his forehead against Jensen’s sternum, breathing in the scent of his cologne and the soft, earthy smell that’s unique to Jensen.

“You okay?” Jensen asks softly, palm rubbing slow circles on Jared’s lower back.

“Yeah,” Jared mumbles. He lifts his head up again so he can meet Jensen’s liquid-green gaze. “Can we, um … I just, really need you, Jen.”

Jensen’s eyes crinkle in a smile; he kisses Jared again, deeper this time, letting his tongue pet along the seam of Jared’s lips and then dipping it into Jared’s mouth for just a second before pulling back. He pecks a playful kiss to the tip of Jared’s nose and then he heaves himself up off the ground. He reaches his hand down toward Jared, and Jared takes his hand and lets Jensen tug him to his feet. Jensen pulls Jared in close again, attaching his lips to Jared’s neck and sucking gently as he walks them backwards toward the bedroom.


	6. Chapter 6

Just having Jared in his arms again after everything, after being convinced that he’d lost his boyfriend forever, has Jensen’s heart pounding so hard it’s making him dizzy. Most of the blood in his body is already heading south, and it makes him light-headed and thankful he’s got Jared’s sturdy frame to hold on to because otherwise Jensen isn’t sure he’d be able to stay upright on his own. Even though two weeks isn’t _technically_ a long time, it felt like fucking forever. Every day felt like a lifetime, every breath labored and every step taken with concrete shoes; dragging on and on until Jensen was almost impressed with himself that he managed to muddle through them without a nervous breakdown. Not being able to touch or kiss or even talk to Jared had been one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do - right up there with watching the man he loves marry someone else. Jared’s always been his rock; the one Jensen turns to for comfort and stability when everything else is spinning out of control as it so often does, and not having that support there was like drowning.

But now he has it back, and it’s all Jensen can do not to cry with how happy it makes him. Jared’s _here_ ; he’s solid and he’s real in Jensen’s arms, the pulse in his neck is steady under Jensen’s tongue. He could weep with relief if he were so inclined, but right now the only thing he can focus on is getting Jared into that bed so he can lose himself in the man he loves so much - so he can feel complete again. Ever since Jared left, there’s been a gaping hole in Jensen’s chest that absolutely _aches_ when the wind blows through it, and the only thing that matters in this moment is filling it back up so he doesn’t feel so black-and-white anymore.

The back of Jared’s knees hit the edge of the huge king-sized bed and Jensen easily pushes him down, palm pressed to his sternum. Jared doesn’t fight it at all, he falls backwards and lands with a few small bounces, laughing bright and free. God, Jensen’s missed that sound - his boyfriend’s happiness always fueling his own. Jared’s such a whirlwind force of life, he’s usually so happy and carefree and just bubbling over with energy, and Jensen’s always found it impossible not to get swept up in his enthusiasm. He’s hated every inch of himself for the last few weeks for ever putting a frown on Jared’s face - for making him cry, making him doubt Jensen’s love - and he’s overjoyed that he’s finally able to make Jared smile again.

Jensen bites down on his bottom lip, one knee resting on the bed, chuckling as Jared ungracefully scrambles backward so that his head is resting on the pillows. His legs are spread wide in a blatant invitation and Jensen easily crawls between them. Settling down against him, Jensen finally starts to feel whole again, like all the shattered pieces of his broken heart are finally beginning to glue themselves back together. Jared’s skin is warm beneath his palms even through his shirt, and he’s already starting to sweat a little. Jensen tracks a bead of moisture trickling down his neck for a moment before attaching his lips the slightly sweat-salty skin, biting down gently enough that it won’t leave a mark but hard enough that Jared arches into it, head thrown back, pressing into the pillow. The broken moan goes straight to Jensen’s cock, making it twitch and harden even more. Jared’s always been uninhibited in bed - he makes the most incredible, shamelessly sexy noises and Jensen takes great pride in being able to coax them out.

“Jensen,” Jared breathes, hands sliding up under Jensen’s t-shirt; long, slender fingers digging into the muscles of his back. Jensen loves Jared’s hands - they’re _huge_ and he always feels so ridiculously tiny whenever Jared puts those hands on him.

Jensen pulls away long enough to push Jared’s shirt up, wanting nothing more at that moment than to feel all that silky-soft, tanned flesh against his own. He hitches it up slowly, revealing Jared’s perfectly sculpted chest inch by glorious inch, and when he gets it up high enough Jared lifts his arms and head so Jensen can tug the material off and toss it to the ground behind him. Jared grunts, pulling at Jensen’s own shirt. He’s at a bad angle so Jensen helps him with the buttons, until he can strip it off as well and send it to join Jared’s on the floor. He lowers himself slowly and settles back against Jared, chest to chest with Jensen resting on his elbows, and then he kisses Jared thoroughly, licking playfully over his bottom lip before delving inside, relearning every inch of his boyfriend’s sweet mouth. He swirls his tongue around Jared’s in a delicious slide of sensitive muscle and warm saliva, and then he licks across Jared’s smooth teeth, the insides of his cheeks and the roof of his mouth, every inch he can reach.

Jared lays back and lets Jensen plunder his mouth, he lets Jensen control the kiss completely because they both know that’s how Jensen likes it, but his hands are in constant motion. They rub up and down Jensen’s back, fingers ghosting just under the waistband of his jeans, palms briefly cupping the cheeks of his ass and squeezing, blunt nails digging in and then dragging down from the nape of his neck to his waist. It’s almost frenzied, like he doesn’t know what he wants to touch first and instead is trying to touch every single inch all at once. Jensen senses the frantic, almost panicked vibes coming off of his boyfriend and he reluctantly pulls back, one palm coming up to cup Jared’s cheek.

“Hey,” he says softly, brushing his thumb in a soothing arc over Jared’s skin. “‘s okay, we got all night, baby.”

Jared’s brows furrow, the most adorably confused yet frustrated look on his beautifully expressive face. “Jen,” he whines. “Need you.”

“I know. And you got me, always. But I wanna take this slow, make it last.”

Jared huffs a sigh, but immediately drops his hands to rest lightly on Jensen’s hips, the tips of his fingers just barely slipping underneath the denim waistband. “I don’t …”

He trails off, dropping his gaze like he’s ashamed, and Jensen leans down to rest his forehead against Jared’s. “You don’t what?” he asks softly.

“Don’t wanna open my eyes and find out this isn’t real, that I’m dreaming or somethin’,” Jared whispers.

Jensen’s heart almost breaks for him. He knows the feeling; he’s experiencing it himself right now. It feels almost too good to be true, that everything’s okay between them and he’s getting to have Jared like this again when for a while he really thought he never would. “I’m right here with you,” he promises. “Forever, never lettin’ you go ever again, okay?”

Jared nods, his forehead rubbing against Jensen’s.

“Letting you walk out that door was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done,” Jensen continues, fighting passed his own insecurities and trying to let Jared see how pathetically in love he really is, because they both need that right now. “I should’a fought for you, for us. M’not gonna make that mistake again.”

“Okay,” Jared agrees in a soft murmur, and Jensen smiles fondly at him before pressing another brief, almost-chaste kiss to his lips. Jared chases his mouth when he pulls back but Jensen ignores him, kissing down his neck again then steadily going lower. He stops to bite down on Jared’s collarbone, smirking at the half-moan, half-hiss that Jared can’t quite bite back.

He slowly, gently licks over Jared’s left nipple, sucking it between his lips when the sensitive bud pebbles. Jared trails one hand up, large palm cupping the back of Jensen’s head, the other fisting in the bedspread, knuckles going white with the strength of his grip. Jensen licks his way across Jared’s pecks, over the soft hair between them, to the other nipple, giving it the same torturously slow treatment. He swirls his tongue around it in a small, wet circle, and then blows on it so the skin tightens and explodes in goosebumps. Jared shudders a little, and Jensen smiles to himself. He always tries not to let himself get too smug, but Jared always reacts so viscerally to everything Jensen does to him when they’re like this that it’s hard sometimes not to get a big head about it.

Jensen mouths his way down over Jared’s sternum, paying attention to each individual rib and all the ridges of Jared’s perfectly cut abs, lapping up the beads of sweat collecting in the dips of his stomach. By the time Jensen gets to Jared’s navel, his boyfriend is already writhing beneath him, breathing harshly, chest heaving. Jared’s usually really responsive on a normal day but apparently the time apart and the emotions and everything that’s happened in the last two weeks have made him damn-near desperate. Jensen glances up the long line of Jared’s torso as he expertly flicks open the button of Jared’s jeans with two fingers. He drops his head, nosing into the sparse line of soft brown hair that disappears into Jared’s pants, sucking a bruise just above the low-slung waist of his boxer briefs. He doesn't worry about marking Jared below the waist, there’s no one out there besides the two of them that will ever see it, except for maybe the wardrobe girls, but they’re trained to see all kinds of things on actors’ bodies and keep their mouths shut about it. Jared moans like he’s dying when Jensen bites down on the blood-warm, abused flesh; leaving the slight imprint of teeth.

He pulls the waist of Jared’s jeans and boxers down enough to reveal his hipbones and that sinfully delicious indention between muscle and bone. He can feel Jared’s cock - hot and hard - pressing against his zipper, twitching and leaking steadily if the dark, wet spot at the top of his shorts is anything to go by; but for another few minutes Jensen ignores it. He licks and nips at the sharp jut of Jared’s hips, running the tip of his tongue up and down the long ridges. Jared whimpers slightly when Jensen pulls away completely, sitting up so that his ass is resting on his ankles. Momentarily taking his focus off his boyfriend, Jensen quickly pulls off his boots and socks, thumbs rubbing over the bump of Jared’s ankle bone for a moment as he simply takes in the sight of him.

Jared is just breathtaking - there’s no way around it. It’s like some god or saint or divine being of some kind took everything Jensen finds attractive on a man; every lustful, sinful desire he’d pushed down his whole adolescent life, always looking but never having the courage to act on; and glued them all together to create this giant collage of absolute perfection. Jared’s chestnut hair is sweat-damp and sticking to the sides of his face in little curls, a pretty pink blush staining his cheeks and his beautiful eyes dark and glassy and lust-blown. There’s a thin sheen of sweat covering his entire body, making his caramel skin shimmer in the dim light, and his blood-thick length is obscenely tenting out the front of his boxers. He already looks completely debauched and like sin-personified and he's absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Jensen’s heart and stomach clench for just a moment and he swallows over a painful lump of emotion in his throat. He almost lost this.

Jared cocks his head to the side, reaching out with one hand for Jensen and that snaps his attention back to the matter at hand - getting his boyfriend naked. He shakes his head at Jared a little, because he can tell the other man is about to ask if he’s okay, and then he makes quick work of Jared’s jeans and underwear, moaning loudly at the sight of a fully-naked Jared. He’s built like a freaking Greek God and Jensen couldn’t keep himself from touching if he tried, if his _life_ depended on it. He runs his hands all the way up - slowly and steadily from Jared’s ankles all the way to his bulging shoulders. Jared’s watching him with a mixture of fondness and confusion and Jensen simply whispers, “Fuckin’ beautiful, Jay.”

Jared blushes slightly - the pink flush of arousal turning red on his cheeks and chest - and he fidgets under Jensen’s intense stare. But he doesn’t argue, probably knows it’d be useless to try, and gives Jensen a moment to simply look before huffing impatiently.

“C’mon, Jen.”

Jensen shakes his head to rid himself of his Jared-induced haze and slithers back down Jared’s body. He nuzzles into the wiry hair at the base of his cock, inhaling the musky, earthy scent of his boyfriend, mouth watering at the familiar smell. Jared’s hips jerk slightly and Jensen plants one arm across his waist, pinning him to the mattress as he licks a long, broad stripe up the underside of Jared’s cock from base to tip, tongue digging into the slit to chase the slightly bitter pre-come. Jared moans his name again, fingers scrambling for purchase in the short hair at the back of Jensen’s head. Jensen doesn’t waste time, he’s had enough of teasing and he’s pretty sure Jared has too, so he picks Jared’s heavy dick up in his hand and slips his lips over the rounded crown. He sucks at it gently, alternating between swirling his tongue around it and digging the tip of his pointed tongue into the spot just under the head.

The warm, moist air here is sharp and peppery in Jensen’s nostrils, it makes his eyes water with how good it is, and he starts bobbing his head. Slowly at first, still paying lots of attention to the top half of Jared’s cock where it’s more sensitive while his fist makes up for what he can’t get to with his mouth alone. When Jared’s slick enough and trembling so much Jensen’s starting to worry he’s going to pass out, he takes pity on his boyfriend and relaxes his throat, letting his arm fall off Jared’s hips so he can buck up into Jensen’s mouth. His eyes water a little more and he breathes deeply through his nose so he won’t choke, but he doesn’t let up - he moves quickly up and down Jared’s shaft, working his tongue as best he can over the thick web of veins on the underside and slipping a hand down behind it so he can cup Jared’s heavy sac in his palm. He rolls the balls, one after the other, in his hand while he lets Jared’s dick push further down his throat until he can barely breathe, but he wouldn’t stop for anything.

“Jensen,” Jared whimpers, pushing weakly at Jensen’s shoulder. “Gotta stop, man, gonna …”

But Jensen doesn’t stop - his head is spinning and he feels like a man possessed but he _can’t_ stop, he _needs_ this. Needs to feel Jared’s salty-warm come on his tongue, needs to taste him and claim him and bleed him dry. A few more hard sucks is all it takes before Jared cries out softly and explodes down Jensen’s throat, bucking up helplessly and coating the inside of Jensen’s waiting mouth with hot and creamy and bitter, and Jensen drinks it down like he’s dying of thirst. Jared spurts a few more times feebly, the fluid getting weaker and milkier as he slowly comes down from his orgasm. Jensen licks at him eagerly until he starts softening, and then he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and rests his forehead against Jared’s thigh, breath coming out raggedly as he tries to still the frantic beating of his own heart.

Jared reaches for him, mumbling something unintelligible that Jensen assumes was supposed to be his own name, so he crawls back up the bed and collapses down beside Jared. He smiles down at Jared’s bleary-eyed expression, dipping his head so he can kiss him tenderly. Jared hums contentedly and kisses back, pushing his tongue into Jensen’s mouth so he can taste himself. Jensen completely looses track of how long they lie there, arms wrapped around each other and trading sweet, slow kisses that feel more like promises than the build-up to anything bigger. It might be ten minutes, it might be an hour, Jensen really has no idea, but he forgets how painfully hard he still is until Jared rolls them over so Jensen’s on the bottom and rocks his thigh down into Jensen’s crotch. Jensen moans, and Jared just grins and kisses him again.

“Love you,” he murmurs against Jensen’s swollen, abused lips.

“That’s just the orgasm talking,” Jensen jokes, but Jared pulls back enough to see Jensen’s face and shakes his head.

“No it’s not,” he insists quietly, eyes shining in sincerity and something like concern - like it’s suddenly life-or-death important to him that Jensen hears what he’s saying. “I really, really love you.”

“I know you do,” Jensen answers, frowning and gently smoothing Jared’s hair back off his forehead. He wants to ask, but Jared doesn’t offer any more of an explanation so Jensen doesn’t push; he kisses Jared again and tries to communicate with his lips and his fingers in Jared’s hair what he doesn’t quite have the eloquence or the wherewithal to put into words.

“Guess you don’t have lube, huh?” Jared asks, rolling his hips steadily down into Jensen’s and creating such delicious friction Jensen almost forgets how to form the words to answer him.

“Sorry, no. There’s probably lotion or something in the bathroom though.”

Jared nips at his bottom lip, tugging at it with his teeth, and then he heaves his body off Jensen’s. “Be right back.”

Jensen pushes up to his elbows to watch as Jared steps into the bathroom, never wasting an opportunity to unabashedly stare at Jared’s perfect ass, and then it occurs to him that he’s still got pants on, so he shucks them off quickly and gives his cock a few firm tugs to take the edge off a little. He’s been hard for probably close to an hour now and he’s strung-out enough that he could probably come from just the slightest touch from either Jared or himself, but he holds back. He sort of lost himself a little while he was blowing Jared - Jared’s a little intoxicating, it’s been known to happen - but he still wants to take this slow. Jared always goes off quickly at first when he’s as pent-up as he was, but he comes back for round two like a teenager and Jensen definitely doesn’t want this to be over so soon. He wants it to be about more than sex this time.

When Jared reappears, he’s got a bottle of what looks like conditioner and a dry washcloth in his hand, and he stops short when he notices Jensen; eyes glazing over a little. “You wanna talk about fuckin’ beautiful?” he grins, bringing one knee up to shift his weight onto the mattress and then crawling back up Jensen’s body. “Should look in the mirror once in a while.”

Jensen rolls his eyes a little and wraps his fingers around the back of Jared’s neck, pulling Jared closer to him so he can reattach their lips for a few messy, languid kisses. Jared wiggles his hips until his re-hardening cock is flush up against Jensen’s and then he grinds down, and Jensen hisses in pure pleasure. He can feel Jared’s dick quickly filling and lengthening against their abdomens, and he rocks up into it. It’s everything he’s been missing - Jared’s warm, sticky skin and his mouth against Jensen’s and his scent and heat overwhelming all of Jensen’s senses - and when Jared presses the little plastic bottle into Jensen’s hand, he finds himself shaking his head and giving it back.

For a reason he can’t even begin to explain, it’s suddenly important to him that he bottoms this time. It’s not like they never do it this way; Jensen likes being on the receiving end just as much as Jared does, and if Jared were with someone else he’d most likely be a total natural top - but Jensen’s got this neurotic hang-up about being in control of things. Not just sex, everything. It stems from insecurities, probably, but Jensen’s never delved too much into it because he’s quite sure he wouldn’t like what he finds. He’s just always been that way, and Jared understands that so usually they find themselves in the opposite position. But Jensen needs it this way this time, needs to do this for Jared - to give himself up to his boyfriend completely to prove to him, to _both_ of them, how committed he is to making things work between them. Jared shoots him a quizzical look but Jensen just smiles and runs the pad of his thumb over Jared’s slick bottom lip, so Jared doesn’t argue.

He kisses down Jensen’s neck and chest, mirroring the attention Jensen paid him earlier but moving faster than Jensen did - obviously already worked up again and Jensen definitely isn’t complaining. Jared flicks the cap on the bottle open as he sucks at Jensen’s belly-button, squeezing a glob of cream-colored lotion onto his fingers and slicking a few up them up all the way down to the webbing. He noses at Jensen’s long-ignored cock, lapping at the pre-come gathering near Jensen’s hip and dragging his teeth lightly up the underside, and Jensen moans. He lets his fingers ghost over Jensen’s balls and then he slips his hand behind them, pressing the tip of his index finger gently against Jensen’s hole and rubbing small circles into it. Jensen’s muscles clench instinctively - they always do at first no matter how many times they do this and how much he trusts Jared - but Jared sucks the head of Jensen’s cock into his mouth and gently pets against the little furl of muscle until it relaxes enough for him to slip just the tip of his finger inside.

Jensen inhales deeply, willing his body to relax. He moans brokenly when Jared increases the suction on the head of his cock, laving over the prominent vein on the underside, fluttering against the bundle of nerves below the tip. It helps him to relax some, body starting to melt into the mattress and Jared’s finger slides in further, all the way to the knuckle. Jared works his finger in and out slowly, randomly brushing over his prostate. It’s maddeningly slow yet achingly good.

Jensen’s whole body vibrates, simultaneously wanting Jared to go faster but maintain the same pace. He pulls back enough to take a few deep breathes and looks up at Jensen. Jared’s expressive hazel eyes are dark and lust-blown, lips slick with his own spit and Jensen’s pre-come. He fucking beautiful like this - strong and gorgeous and he’s all Jensen’s. Like it always does, the thought hits him like a punch to the gut. Jared presses a soft kiss to the inside of Jensen’s thigh, his eyes sliding closed slowly. It’s such a sweet, tender gesture and so purely Jared that it makes Jensen’s heart and stomach clinch momentarily. He still can’t believe they almost let their own stubbornness and insecurities ruin this most beautiful, perfect thing that they fought for so many years to hold on to.

Jensen moans again when Jared gently prods against his rim with the tip of his middle finger. His eyes raise up to Jensen’s when he pushes all the way in. Jensen’s whole body tenses again for a moment, teeth biting down gently on his bottom lip. Jared doesn’t move, gives him the time to adjust to the slight burn. It’s not that bad, he actually enjoys the pleasure-pain of the stretch but he knows that Jared would never move before he felt Jensen was ready for it. He lets his lip slide from between his teeth, his muscles once again relaxing. Once his boyfriend feels him unclench, he sets up a slow, steady rhythm, twisting and pumping in and out.

Jared’s rock-hard again, Jensen can feel it pressing against his leg - he’s kind of surprised that Jared’s able to take things so slowly. Jensen’s hips grind down against Jared’s hand, moaning when his boyfriend expertly finds his prostate and rubs insistently over it, his other hand slowly starting to slide up and down Jensen’s cock - Jared’s spit and Jensen’s pre-come slicking the way. As difficult as it is for him, Jensen just lets go, moaning and writhing, lets himself get lost in the sensation and pleasure of his boyfriend’s touch. He wraps his legs around Jared’s lean waist, one hand reaching out for him.

“Fuck, Jay,” he breathes. “’m ready. Just … just fuckin’ do it.” He can tell that he’s not quite open enough, but can’t handle waiting anymore. He needs Jared, needs to feel his boyfriend sink into him, to take him apart and put him back together again.

Jared shakes his head slowly, sliding back up Jensen’s body - wrist twisted awkwardly - to press a soft kiss to Jensen’s lips. “Just one more, babe,” he says softly, lips catching and dragging against Jensen’s. He slowly presses a third finger in; kisses Jensen again when he hisses slightly. “Sorry,” Jared mutters.

Jensen inhales deeply, eyes locking with Jared’s. He can see the love and devotion swirling in those beautiful hazel eyes, knows without a doubt that it matches his own. Jared‘s eyes get a little misty and Jensen just knows that he‘s thinking about everything again.

“Love you, Jen,” he whispers. “So freakin’ much.”

Jensen smiles up at him fondly, both hands running feather-light up and down Jared’s back, causing goosebumps to break out over his entire sweat-slick body. “I know,” he says softly. “Love you, too.” He shifts his hips, hands trailing down to Jared’s ass, fingers digging into the firm globes. “C’mon, baby. Want you.”

Jared groans; Jensen knows that it drives Jared just a little crazy when his voice gets rough and growly like that and he uses it to his advantage as much as he can. Jared mouths softly over Jensen’s chest, biting down playfully on his shoulder. He pulls away, still pumping his fingers in and out, spreading them wide, twisting his wrist. Jensen can’t help the slight whimper when Jared pulls his fingers out, instantly missing that pleasantly full feeling but knowing that it’s about to get so much better. He licks his lips, watches as Jared reaches for the lotion again and pours some into his palm. Jared’s head falls back, eyes slamming shut, a low groan tearing from his lips at his own touch while he slicks up his cock.

Jensen’s gaze drops down to the long line of Jared’s exposed neck, wants nothing more than to taste that sweat-salty skin, suck bruises and bite marks into that perfect, unmarred skin. He knows that he can’t though, make-up would have a freakin’ cow if they had to cover up hickeys. It reiterates the whole problem that got them here in the first place, the fact that they aren’t like normal couples. But as long as he has Jared, he knows that they can make it through anything.

They lock eyes again when Jared drops his chin back down. Jensen’s breath hitches slightly at the sheer amount of want he can see in Jared’s eyes, knows that his boyfriend’s finally reached the end of his patience. He licks his lips, biting down on the bottom one as he watches Jared still stroking up and down his cock, fingers curled into a loose fist. Jared moans, jaw clenching and Jensen sees him squeeze the base of his cock. He smirks knowingly up at his boyfriend, slowing letting his lip slide free. Jared quickly resettles between his splayed thighs, Jensen automatically wrapping his legs around Jared again. He leans over, one hand planted on the mattress next to Jensen’s head, the other lining himself up.

“You ready?” he drawls hoarsely.

Jensen nods, a barely-there jerk of his chin, and Jared pushes forward. Jared’s eyes squeeze shut tight when just the tip of his cock breaches the still slightly too-tight ring of muscle. Jensen clamps down, whole body tensing. Jared lets go of himself, hand rubbing softly up and down Jensen’s flank, leaning over as far as he can and pressing a tender kiss to Jensen’s lips.

“S’okay, let me in,” he breathes, and it’s like Jensen’s whole body was waiting for that whispered request, his muscles relaxing enough so that Jared can start to slide in more. They moan in unison when Jared moves, slipping in a few more inches.

As much as Jensen loves being the one in control - to see his beautiful, strong boyfriend writhing and moaning and surrendering completely to him - there’s definitely something to be said for giving up that control as well. Sometimes he thinks that he takes the method acting thing too far, sometimes letting the role of the protector, the strong one, overcome everything. It’s freeing, almost, to just shake loose the weight of responsibility weighing down his shoulders and for a few, glorious moments just _let go_. He knows that it’s kinda ridiculous; Jared’s a big boy - overly big - and can damn-well take care of himself, but Jensen still feels like it’s his job to protect and coddle his younger and sometimes overly sensitive boyfriend.

He tightens his legs around Jared’s hips, his slightly shaky hands coming up to cup Jared’s face, using the hold to pull Jared into a kiss. He means to keep it soft; sweet and chaste, but evidently Jared has other ideas. He licks almost forcefully at the seam of Jensen’s lips, nipping at them before shoving his tongue inside as soon as Jensen opens up to him. Kissing Jared’s like the best kind of drug and Jensen’s been happily addicted for years. The man kisses as enthusiastically as he does everything else, moaning loud and long in the back of his throat, tongue licking over every available inch of Jensen’s mouth. He kisses Jensen like he thinks every time’s going to be the last and he wants desperately to memorize every taste, every sensation.

It’s painstakingly slow, but Jared eventually bottoms out, head dropping down, forehead resting against Jensen’s. He’s already panting harshly, sweating like he’s just run a marathon but none of that really registers to Jensen. The only thing he can focus on is the long, searing line of Jared’s cock where it's splitting him open. It's not like he could ever really _forget_ that Jared's freaking _huge_ but it still manages to take him by surprise every damn time he’s in this position. It’s agonizingly good, the slight burn of the stretch already quickly receding, leaving just that pleasantly full feeling.

Jared’s massive frame is trembling slightly, muscles straining with the exertion of staying still. But Jensen wants this, _needs_ this, so much, despite urging Jared to take it slow earlier. He runs his hands down Jared’s sweat-slick back, loving the way the firm muscle ripples under his palms. His fingers curl into the meat of Jared’s ass, kneading the sinfully sweet globes. Jared gasps when Jensen wiggles his hips, clenches his inner muscles. If he had the ability to speak right now, he’d be urging Jared on. But he can’t find his voice, overwhelmed by having Jared surrounding him completely, of finally having back what he thought he lost forever.

Jared’s eyes slide closed, his hips making a half-aborted thrust. “ _Jensen_ ,” he groans. “I can’t ... I gotta ...” He breaks off on another groan when Jensen clamps down again.

“S’okay,” Jensen finally manages to rasp softly. “Move, baby.”

Jared licks his lips, his eyes fluttering back open to search Jensen’s. He nods once, hips sliding back slowly until just the head of his cock is still inside, tugging on Jensen’s rim. The slide back in is definitely smoother and easier than the first one and Jensen forces himself to relax again, settling into the mattress and letting Jared pick up a steady, slow pace. Any twinge of left-over pain is gone and Jensen picks up Jared’s rhythm, the two of them moving together with practiced ease.

Jensen’s whole body feels like a live-wire, electricity sparking over every inch of his skin. As sappy as it sounds, it feels like forever since they’ve been together like this instead of a couple weeks. But to be fair, they hadn’t actually had much time alone in the months prior to their semi-break up, and Jensen’s pretty fucking sure those were the worst two weeks of his life. Instead of dwelling on the ‘might have been’s’, Jensen focuses on Jared. Even at his worst, Jared’s always beautiful and perfect in Jensen’s eyes but like this ... there just aren’t words. His heart swells and if he had the coherency to think about it, he’d roll his eyes and tease his own damn self for being such a big freaking girl about this. But right now, he just can’t bring himself to care.

One of Jared’s huge, warm hands settles high on his thigh, lifting Jensen’s leg higher and it shifts them around just enough that on the next thrust Jared’s cock hits his prostate dead-on. Jensen moans brokenly, back arching off the mattress and pleasure burns up and down his spine. “Fuck, Jare. Right there.”

Jared bites down softly on his bottom lip, the most adorable look of concentration on his face as he tries to keep that position, making sure to unerringly hit that spot every time. It shoves Jensen close to the edge blindingly fast, the slow burn of his orgasm catching fire and lighting up his whole body, mind, heart, _soul_. And like the freaky ninja that he his, Jared echoes the thought out loud.

“Shit, ‘m close, babe,” he whispers hoarsely, tone fucked out and strained.

Jensen really doesn’t know how long they’ve been at this - time really doesn’t matter when they’re tangled up in each other like this, nothing matters - but it’s still all too soon. Despite the desperation, he still wants it to last, never wants to lose this perfect feeling of being so connected with the man he loves. He swallows thickly, throat feeling like it’s lined in cotton, licking his dry lips.

“Me too,” he breathes.

His eyes roll back into his head, body arching off the mattress and into Jared’s touch when he snakes one hand between their sweat-slicked stomachs - those long, elegant fingers curling around his aching length. Jared mouths softly over his collarbone, biting down gently on the jut of bone as he twists his wrist _just_ right. Granted, Jensen doesn’t have quite the biting kink that Jared does, but he still enjoys it every now and then. He feels the tell-tale warmth pool low in his gut; full, heavy balls drawing up almost painfully tight against his body. Jared licks a long stripe up his neck, biting down on the sensitive skin covering his pounding pulse before trailing up to his ear. He sucks the lobe into his mouth, dragging his teeth over the flesh as he pulls away.

“C’mon, Jen. Come for me.” His tone is soft, reverent almost, like he’s asking Jensen for the greatest gift he could ever imagine getting.

For some reason, it’s that softly muttered request that does him in. He cries out as he shoots warm and sticky between them, release hitting his own stomach, dribbling down Jared’s fist. Jared slows his thrusts to work him through it, hand still milking every last drop, lingering a few moments even when it gets uncomfortable on the over-sensitive skin. Jensen opens his eyes - not entirely sure when he even closed them - to find Jared staring down at him, eyes soft and kinda liquid. He can feel Jared twitching and pulsing slightly inside his still fluttering inner muscles, realizes belatedly that Jared’s stopped moving completely. He rolls his hips, urging Jared to start again. Jared’s brow furrows as his eyes flutter, almost closing but not. His hips pull back slightly before snapping back, quick and harsh, and he only manages a few erratic thrusts before he slams in one last time, whole body freezing up as he cries out Jensen’s name. Jensen feels the warmth of Jared’s release filling him up, his own cock twitching feebly at the sensation.

Jared’s arms are starting to shake from holding himself up - always so worried about crushing Jensen with his bulkier frame - but Jensen craves it, wants to feel all that sweaty, firm muscle over baby-soft skin pressing him against the mattress; holding him there securely so he can’t get away. He curls his fingers around his boyfriend’s hips, urging him down. Jared complies, laying down gingerly, hips starting to shift so that he can pull his still mostly-hard cock out. Jensen’s fingers tighten, smiling softly when Jared looks down at him, once again adorably confused.

“Just ... just stay for a minute?”

He knows that they need to get up and either get in a shower before they fall asleep or head on home. _Home_. It warms Jensen’s heart even more knowing that when he leaves this damn hotel, he’ll be heading back to their beautiful little house in the suburbs. Their excitable dogs, their little backyard, their mismatched furniture, their big, warm bed. Even the house he grew up in never felt as much like home to Jensen as that place does. But for right now, he just wants to bask in the leftover orgasmic haze, wants to stay wrapped up warm and sated in Jared’s arms, in this tiny little bubble of perfection where nothing can get to them, nothing can hurt them or try to tear them apart.


	7. Epilogue

_Three Months Later_   


“What if they don’t like me?” Jensen asks again, twisting the bottom of his shirt so violently in his hands that Jared’s almost worried he’s going to tear it.

Jared rolls his eyes fondly, but his heart goes out to Jensen. It’s been a long time since he’s seen Jensen this nervous, and it’s kind of cute. He switches his left hand to the steering wheel so he can reach over with his right and put it over both of Jensen’s to quell the assault on his charcoal-grey sweater. “Babe, for the hundredth time, they aren’t _meeting_ you. They already _know_ you, they’ve known you for six years. And they already like you. Hell, I’m pretty sure Meg likes you more than she likes me. You have nothing to worry about, okay?”

“That’s not the same thing,” Jensen grumbles. “They’ve met me as your co-star, now they’re meeting me as the man who’s screwing their little boy. The _older_ man, they’re probably gonna think I …”

“What? Corrupted me?” Jared asks with a wry smile and a raised eyebrow. “Lured me into your web of gayness and turned me?”

Jensen glares at him, and Jared can’t help but laugh.

“Just cause they’re from Texas doesn’t mean they’re a bunch of bible-thumping hicks, Jensen,” he says calmly. “I told them about us months ago, and they were _fine_ with it. Alright, maybe they were a little freaked out at first because of the whole fake-wedding thing and the fact that I lied to them for over a year, but they’re over it. And they _love_ you, my mom can’t wait to smother you in questions about whether I’m eating right and not staying out too late.”

Jensen lets out a reluctant chuckle, but then just as quickly as it came it’s gone again and his face pales even further, freckles standing out starkly against his ivory skin. “Oh god,” he groans, gripping Jared’s hand so hard it almost hurts. “What if they ask if we’re having sex?”

Jared barely stifles a giggle – he can tell Jensen’s actually being serious, as ridiculous as the question was, and Jared’s pretty sure laughing at him wouldn’t help matters. “They won’t,” he assures.

“How do you know?” Jensen insists frantically.

“Because I’m twenty-nine, because I’m a _dude_ , and because they know we’ve been together for a long time. I’m pretty sure they assume we’re having sex, unless they’re under some serious delusions I don’t know about.”

Jensen groans again and slides down a little in his seat. “That _so_ does not make me feel better.”

“Jen, they’re my _parents_. I’m pretty sure even if I was straight they wouldn’t sit around thinking about me and Genevieve in bed. That’d just be weird,” Jared reasons. “You know how it is with parents, your dad has the talk with you when you’re thirteen and then you both look away awkwardly and spend the rest of your lives pretending sex doesn’t exist.”

Jensen sighs. “I guess,” he says reluctantly.

Jared smiles again and squeezes Jensen’s hand. “You’re gonna be fine, I know it. They’re gonna be crazy about you.” He can’t help the warm feeling in his chest - Jensen’s completely adorable when he’s this worked up. He holds Jared’s hand tightly with both of his, and Jared rubs his thumb in a slow, comforting arc over the back of Jensen’s palm.

They’ve had this trip planned for over a month now, and Jensen’s spent approximately the last three and a half weeks worrying about it. He spent hours on the computer finding out everything there is to know about this year’s Cowboys team because he knows Jared’s dad is a big fan. He packed and unpacked and repacked his suitcase at least six times, wanting to make absolutely sure he brought the right kind of clothes even though Jared assured him over and over again that his parents didn’t give a rat’s ass about things like that and unless Jensen showed up in something sparkly or made entirely of spandex, Jared was quite positive his parents wouldn’t even _notice_ what Jensen was wearing. After all, Jared’s own wardrobe consists mostly of Wrangler jeans and cowboy boots and plaid shirts that resemble his Sam-clothes probably a little too much. On the plane, Jensen grilled him incessantly about what he should say, how he should act, whether or not he should call Jared’s dad “sir”. Instead of letting it annoy him, Jared’s decided to take it as a compliment. All in all, it’s very sweet that Jensen’s this anxious - that it’s so important to him that he impress Jared’s family.

“D’you think they’re pissed at me? About making you lie to them, and about Genevieve and all that?” Jensen asks softly.

“No way.” Jared shakes his head firmly. “They know it isn’t your fault. You didn’t _make_ me do anything.”

“Yeah, I … okay. Is there anything else I should know? What about with your mom?”

“She’s definitely gonna tell you you’re too skinny,” Jared replies with a warm chuckle, after considering it for a moment. “Just eat a lot and tell her it’s all delicious and she’ll be putty in your hands.”

“I can do that,” Jensen answers, glancing over at Jared and giving him a real smile for the first time today.

“My mom is totally nuts about Thanksgiving. Family, football, too much food, the whole thing,” Jared continues. He brings the truck gently to a halt at a four-way stop, checking the rearview and pausing for a moment since there’s no one behind him. “It’s a really big deal in my house, and the fact that they wanted me to bring you home for it, that says a lot, you know? Mom wants you there ‘cause she knows how much you mean to me.”

Jensen nods once, shortly. They drive in silence for the remainder of the trip, it’s only another ten minutes or so to Jared’s childhood home and even though they don’t speak, he keeps his hand wrapped around Jensen’s. Jensen stares absently out the window, fingers fidgeting against Jared’s every now and then. By the time Jared rounds the corner onto his street and pulls up onto his driveway, Jensen seems a little bit calmer, but his lips are pursed and he still looks worried. Jared throws the truck into park and leans over, pressing a quick kiss to Jensen’s cheek.

“Look, you are worrying about absolutely nothing. I love you, Jensen,” he whispers, resting his forehead against Jensen’s temple and letting his lips drag over his skin. “You make me feel safe and loved, you make me a better person. But most of all you make me _happy_ , and they are going to see that and love you forever for it. I promise.”

Jensen sighs a little, but he leans into Jared. “Okay.”

“You ready?” Jared asks.

Jensen nods, more confidently this time and then turns his head and kisses Jared gently on the lips. “Yeah. You better bring your A-game, Padalecki, ‘cause I am about to seriously turn up the charm. I’m gonna blow ‘em away.”

Jared laughs quietly and kisses Jensen a little deeper. “Can’t wait. I love you.”

“Love you more.”

Jared scoffs and nudges Jensen’s nose with his own. “That’s impossible.”

\--end--  



End file.
